Wake Me Up When I'm Thin

50 Pounds!

2012-01-24T11:46:00.000-06:00

Drum roll please....

As of Saturday, January 21, I am officially down 50 pounds! I had a hard time finding a picture of 50 pounds of fat so this is actually a picture of 100 pounds of fat. But look at half that fat! That's a lot of fat! That's a lot of weight!

I feel great. I'm continuing to go to the gym. I wish I could say that I have no cravings. I am a carb addict. I would eat carbs over protein at any time so I have to push myself to make sure I am eating protein and not consuming an over abundance of carbs. Some days it's really hard to do and some days I have no problem and don't even think about it.

I have to reiterate this...the surgery is NOT a magic bullet. It's a tool to help in the journey. I wish that the surgery had changed my palate but it didn't. I wish the surgery would have changed my brain and the way I think about food but it didn't. The surgery changed my stomach physically but didn't change anything mental. It's a good thing for ME to be able to only eat to a certain point.

Since the surgery we've been out to dinner a few times. It AMAZES me the quantity of food that people consume when they dine. And I used to be one of those people. I could drink 4 glasses of coke at one meal, share an appetizer, have the entree and then eat dessert. That sounds normal right?

Let me tell you what I ate on Friday night at Texas Roadhouse. I ordered a 6 oz sirloin with a loaded baked potato and steamed broccoli and carrots.They have rolls there too. REALLY yummy rolls. They also have peanuts on the table. I love peanuts. I love the salty, crunchy, chewing of the peanuts. But I also know what too many peanuts will do to me.So here's what I actually ate:

3 peanuts
1/2 roll
1/3 of the sirloin
about 1/4 of the potato...probably a little less
3 small pieces of broccoli
3 baby carrots
about 1/3 cup of water

After dinner I was FULL! Now...I probably could have done without the roll. There are a lot of sleevers out there who don't touch carbs at all. I try not to do it too much and I feel like if I have 1/2 a roll I'm doin' alright.

So...look down there at the picture. See half of that fat? That's what's gone off my body! Amazing.

2 Month Surgiversary

2012-01-16T12:37:00.002-06:00

So today is my 2 month surgiversary. I am posting the pictures although I don't think they really show the weight loss because my shirt is baggy. (The gray shirt is in the wash so I grabbed the white one.)

I have been going to the gym since joining last Tuesday. I've been 3 times and my goal is to go every day this next week, excluding Sunday. I'm getting a little faster on the treadmill and am burning about 300 calories and walking 2.25 miles each time. Afterwards I do some weight training for my upper body. My legs and hips are losing more weight and inches than my abdomen which is where I need it the most. Today I started working on the abdominal muscles on the Nautilus equipment.

Here's to another successful month!

OH MY GoodNESS!

2012-01-11T09:23:00.000-06:00

Ok...so I've measured my body twice since beginning this journey. I was astonished at how large my body was. I mean to see the numbers...WHEW! What an eye opener.

The last time I measured I had lost a total of 14+ inches. I finally measured again today. OH WOW!!!

I have lost a total of....(drum roll please) 26.5 inches from my body.

Here's the breakdown:
neck: -1 inch
arm: -.25 inch
chest: -4 inches
waist: -4.75 inches
hips: -9 inches!!!!!!
thighs: -7.5 inches!!!

What the heck? I can't believe that my hips and thighs were so much bigger than they are now. No wonder I can move better!

It was an eye opener that I need to do more for my upper body to lose inches.

Non scale victory- Today I went to the gym and walked 1.6 miles in 30 minutes.

Yippie!!!!

2012-01-10T08:09:00.000-06:00

A great few days weight wise!

On Friday I had to go shopping again for some more clothes. I went to Avenue because I saw that they were having a sale of 60-70% off on some of their clearance merchandise. I tried on several pairs of jeans and found one that fit perfectly.

Guess what size it is? It's a size 16!!!! AND they fit!!! AND I bought them! I got some tops that were on sale for $7 too. My daughter and I went back on Saturday and I purchased a top in a size 14/16! A. MAY. ZING! It's a great feeling to be buying smaller sizes.

I've had some non-scale victories as well. Yesterday I had to clean up my son's room. He loves Star Wars stuff and had a little play area set up with rocks and figures and ships and animals...it could have been a movie set. I really needed to vacuum in there but couldn't do it around all the stuff so I had to sit on the floor and put things away in bins and pull things out from under the bed...you know how it is...especially if you have boys.

Anyway...at one point I noticed how easy it was to reach and move to get what I wanted and I had the realization that as I've lost weight my body has really changed. I used to get so sweaty and exhausted when I did tasks like that but yesterday I could move without feeling like I was exerting myself. As I drove to the doctor's office I thought about how it felt the "day I woke up fat". I remember sitting on the floor with my 5 month old baby wearing a pair of jeans that were probably two sizes too small. I remember the feeling in my legs and feeling like my legs were stuffed into my skin. The reality was that my fat was making my skin stretch in my legs. I hated the feeling. Unfortunately I got used to it and packed on even more weight over the years.

But yesterday I had the opposite sensation. It was a small epiphany for me.

I did go to my 6 week weight check and nutrition class yesterday. It was really the beginning of the 8th week for me because I am a little behind my meetings due to the holidays.

I always dress "light" on the days I have to weigh in. Had it not been so cold outside I would have worn Capri pants and a light blouse. Instead, I chose my light weight khaki pants and a new cotton top. I always step on the scale with great trepidation, even when I expect to see a loss. "Will it be enough? Do I only think I've lost and I've really gained?"

So I stepped on the scale and the nurse said, "Oh WOW! You're doing REALLY good." Then she wrote down the number, did a short calculation and announced that I've lost a total of 47 pounds! I was ecstatic!

The nutrition class was great. I am allowed to eat any foods that agree with me including raw vegetables so that means I can now have salad. I've been craving salad!

The next part of this process is to join the gym. I need to tone up and firm up some of these muscles so that I can get rid of my "front butt". I've said before to some people that I have two butts. One regular butt and one butt in the front where I used to have a stomach! I need to get that firmed up. It will NEVER be what it was without surgery. TOO many babies and WAY TOO much weight have stretched that skin out to the point that it will never go back to being smooth. It will always be flabby and saggy. However, it can be smaller. I need a smaller "front butt". I have a friend, Sharon, who has a blog called My Other Butt (you can click on that and see her blog). I was introduced to her blog by another mutual friend and was intrigued right away because I KNEW she knew what I was experiencing. Her "other butt" is almost gone! She had a lap band procedure and has done GREAT!

So I'm feeling really good about my decision to have the surgery! It has been a tremendous tool for me! I can sense my thoughts about food changing as well. I finally threw out cookies and goodies that we made over Christmas. I don't think that would have ever happened before...mostly because I would have felt the need to eat anything that was in my house.

I'm now in the next lowest 10's for weight. I have not seen these numbers since the birth of my 2nd daughter almost 24 years ago!

I haven't decided when I will tell what my starting weight was. Yesterday I saw the picture of me that they took on my initial consultation with the doctor in June. I didn't even recognize the girl in the photo. It kind of gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did that all to myself. I can't dwell on the reasons why. I just have to keep moving forward and let go of all that.

Here's to another great week!

Do These Genes Make Me Look Fat

2012-01-01T21:04:00.000-06:00

Got this pic from here: http://www.losinghalfmyweight.com/

Update...I'm now down a total of 44 pounds since June and 28 pounds since my surgery 6 weeks ago. I am feeling pretty normal and am eating regular food. I'm not making perfect choices with food but it was Christmas and we baked too much. I'm not gorging myself though. I have had more baked goods than I should have.

I was down to only 1 pair of pants fitting me and lots of tops are looking WAY too big and baggy on me. I had to go get a new pair of jeans. I didn't want to get too many because I know in another 4 weeks I will need a smaller size.

I went to try jeans on the other day at a couple of places. I grabbed a couple of different sizes, 18's and 20's and by accident grabbed a size 16. The first pair I tried on and got zipped and they looked awful and my fat rolls were totally obvious because it popped out the top! Talk about a muffin top! It was more like an inner tube over flowing my pants BUT not only did they go up my thighs but they actually fit over my hips AND zipped up!!! When I looked at the size it was a 16! I did a little happy dance in the dressing room knowing that in about 20 more pounds I will fit into it for real!

It took several places of trying on jeans...mostly because I can't see spending more than $20 on a pair of pants right now. I finally purchased one pair and came home a happy girl. I have some shirts that I need to get rid of as well as some other pants. I'll purge my closet tomorrow. It's almost time for a new black skirt because in another couple of weeks I won't have anything to wear to church. I'm solidly in a size 18/20 top but it has to be a women's size. They are cut fuller than a junior size 18.

Another 2.6 pounds and I'll be in the next lowest 10's for my weight. Again...some day I will confess my highest weight but I'm not ready to do that now.

Things I need to work on:

Eating more protein.
Writing down everything I eat during the day.
Drinking more water.
Taking my vitamins every day.

People who haven't seen me for a while are noticing how much I've lost and it feels great! Here's to a better week! Happy New Year...Happy New ME!

Pics

2011-12-17T20:56:00.000-06:00

Got on the scale this morning and I'm now down 26 pounds since my surgery and 38 pounds since my initial consultation in June. I'm feeling better and better and went to try clothes on in a store yesterday. I can now fit into a size 20 pair of jeans. I would say that in another 10 pounds I will look better in those jeans. I didn't purchase them because I have one pair of jeans that size that fit me and when they are too big I will HAVE to purchase another pair.

Here are some pics for comparison.

This is me back in June with my granddaughter at the zoo.

This is November 15. The night before surgery.

This is me December 17. One month and 1 day out from surgery.

I still have a ways to go but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far.

There are cynics out there who will say that this is the "easy way out" but I have news for you...I've never done anything harder. It's an aid to my weight loss goals. I still have to watch what I eat...even more than I ever have. I have to exercise and keep track of what I am eating through out the day. The biggest difference is that I see a loss in weight most days that I step on the scale and it motivates me to keep going!

4 Weeks Post Op

2011-12-14T09:46:00.000-06:00

Hard to believe that 4 weeks ago I had my surgery! I'm feeling back to normal physically and can pretty much do what I want. I need to start walking again if the weather would cooperate. It's probably time to join a gym since the weather here will only get worse over the next couple of months.

So...here are the latest stats...I got on the scale this morning and I am down 23.6 pounds since the surgery and 35.6 since my initial consultation in June. I've also lost a total of 17 inches off my body.

When I get dressed there are some clothes that appear larger to me than I remember them being. I'm sure that's because my body is getting smaller and my perspective is changing. It feels good to be able to fit into some things that I haven't worn for a while. In another 4 weeks I will have to purchase some new clothes. THAT will feel even better! I'm just trying to make due with what I have for the time being. Most all of my jeans are too big. I have one pair that fit and I'll wear those until they are falling off.

I finally went to the nutritionist yesterday for my 2 week follow up. She reminded me that I need to eat more protein. Protein helps you lose weight. I am supposed to eat 60 grams of protein a day. Yesterday I got it all in and got on the scale this morning to see a victory. It's wonderful.

So far I am able to tolerate most things. I had BBQ chicken for dinner last night but could only eat about 1/4 of a chicken breast. I also had steamed broccoli and carrots. A good dinner and filling. I am still dealing with issues about my head hunger and my sweet tooth. It helps when I can see the numbers on the scale going down. In another .4 pounds I'll be into the next lowest 10's! I haven't seen those numbers in a long time...since 2002.

Week 3.5

2011-12-11T22:17:00.001-06:00

So I didn't blog last week but things have been going pretty well. I started into my "Week 4, 5, 6 Soft Food Diet". This part of the diet allows me all sugar free beverages except for carbonation, caffeine and alcohol. I don't drink alcohol so that's not a big deal for me. I've also not had caffeine in a long time so I don't feel a desire for a diet coke at all. I'm also allowed to have skim milk, low fat cream soups, soups of any kind, cooked cereal, cream of wheat, thinned grits (NASTY) mashed potatoes, crispy toasted bread, low fat cottage cheese, canned chicken, tuna, shaved deli meats, ground beef, ground turkey, cooked canned or pureed vegetables, cooked canned or pureed unsweetened apple sauce and bananas.

I actually ate chili a week ago with beans in it...didn't bother me one single bit. I only ate about 6 bites of it and I was full. The next day I tried a scrambled egg again...UGH! NOT good. A lot of people on the VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) forum say that they can't eat bread but toast has not been a problem for me at all. The diet calls for no other fats other than margarine or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray but I hate eating margarine on bread and I'm not spraying some ick on my toast. So I have used real butter sparingly on my toast without any ill effects.

The weight loss has slowed down a bit. I've only lost another 2 pounds since my last visit. I NEED to get out and do some walking. It's been so cold out in the morning that I've dreaded it and gone back to sleep. I decided that I need to join a gym where I can walk on the treadmill and use some weights to strengthen my upper arms.

I will admit to eating a cookie here and there (and they're not even whole cookies...just a bite or two) and although it's not on the diet I have not really felt "guilty" about having ONE cookie. In times past I could sit and scarf down a box in no time at all! Having your stomach fill up so fast is a benefit and really makes you not want any more than just a taste most of the time. I have overdone it on food and it's not a good feeling.

Non scale victory today...wearing a blouse that I haven't worn in about 3 years and having it be a little big!

Also took measurements and am down a total of 17 inches! It will be time for new jeans soon. I can pull of all but one smaller pair that I've had for a while, without unzipping them. Even some of my shoes are feeling looser.

People are noticing my weight loss and even my husband says I feel smaller when he hugs me. Life is good.

All I want for Christmas is to be another size down! I think I can do it!

And In This Corner, Weighing In At......

2011-11-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

.....Well honestly I'm not ready to say how much I weigh on this blog yet but someday I swear I will. It will make your jaw drop.

Here's some of what's been going on since my last post a week ago.

Wednesday, Nov 23, I had my one week follow up appointment with the doctor. I got some staples removed and of course weighed me. I was down 18 pounds in a week! It was wonderful! I pretty much felt like crap but the weight loss made it worth it. I was also down a total of 27 since June 10, when I had my initial consultation with the surgeon.

I was "promoted" to the next food level which allows me to add reduced fat creamed soups and drinkable yogurt to my food plan. Truth be told I really wanted a tuna fish sandwich!

Thursday, Nov. 24-Thanksgiving. I wasn't really worried about Thanksgiving because I felt like I could have some soup and maybe some runny mashed potatoes and feel fine. That's pretty much what I did. It did fill me up and I didn't feel like I was missing out on too much. I wasn't hungry in the way I would have been prior to surgery. I did have a couple of bites of moist turkey which satisfied me. I was a little nervous about how it would make my tummy feel but all was well.

Friday brought a new challenge because I REALLY wanted something to chew. I had some tomato soup for lunch and added 3 Cheese-It crackers. NOT the best idea. It didn't bother me at all, except in my brain because I knew I shouldn't really have crackers. I figured it couldn't be all that bad since it was all soggy and mushy from the soup. I resolved that Saturday I would not add any extras to my food plan.

On Saturday I needed to go to the grocery store. I hardly eat a thing but the rest of my family needs to eat. I have been tracking my calorie intake and I'm basically surviving on any where from 300 to 500 calories. It's not a great way to sustain yourself when you have much to do. So basically I almost passed out at Walmart because by 3 in the afternoon I'd managed to get water in but also only about 4 ounces of a protein shake so that was only about 75 calories for the day. Walking around Walmart, pushing a cart and shopping pretty much did me in. Luckily my husband was there, took me to find a seat, gave me some applesauce and I waited for him to finish.

It was an interesting phenomena to be in Walmart surrounded by food but not really have the desire to want to buy something to eat it. Nothing really sounds that great except for tuna fish!

I joined a group online called Obesity Help and have found a lot of people in the same circumstances as I am. It is a great resource to have and a great way to feel supported by people who KNOW what I'm going through.

One thing I've found is that EVERY single surgeon out there has their own idea of how to "graduate" food levels. There are some people who are eating soft foods within 4 days of surgery. My surgeon, however, seems to be very conservative. His plan is for you to be on liquids for a week, then for the next two weeks to be on modified liquids with the soups and yogurt added in and then at week 4 to add soft meats, cheeses, etc.

Well....one of the gals I met on the site had surgery the same day I did and she's been eating ALL kinds of stuff including eggs. I REALLY wanted something savory. The protein shake, sweet drinks, water, broth thing gets old REAL fast. So I made myself an egg on Sunday night. NOT the best idea I've ever had! That thing just sat on my stomach and made me feel terrible. I was up until 2 a.m. drinking water trying to get it down and out of my tummy. Lesson learned.

I go back to the doctor on Friday to have the rest of the staples removed. I've lost another 3 pounds since being there last week so the losing has slowed down significantly. It can be a little discouraging because I'm like, "Geeze, if I'm only eating like 500 calories a day and I can't lose more weight than this is it going to be worth it?" But I have read a lot and talked to a lot of people and I'm assured that my body is just adjusting and that I'll start losing more again.

Non Scale Victories- I put away my summer clothes NEVER to wear them again. I will donate them to the local clothes closet in the spring when they want summery clothes. It felt wonderful to say, "it's all too big!"

I also go out my winter clothes and all of my jeans from last year are already too big. I'll just have to wear baggy clothes for now. I'll have to get a couple of slacks at the new year for sure! Whoot!

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

2011-11-22T18:08:00.000-06:00

So...I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on the 16th...6 days ago. I thought I'd feel better than I do. It's still a bit painful to swallow stuff and have "food" which is just liquids in my tummy for now. I see the surgeon tomorrow for a follow up. I was totally wishing they could undo what they'd done to me about 30 minutes after I woke up in the recovery room. I felt awful.

Today I'm feeling slightly better. I actually got up, got a shower, did my hair and makeup. I took a picture of myself and put it side by side with a photo I took on October 27. All I can say is A. MAY. ZING.! I took my measurements and I'm down 14.25 inches since the surgery! I guess feeling like garbage is paying off.

I'm not gonna lie...

2011-11-18T18:57:00.000-06:00

As soon as I woke up from the surgery I thought to myself..."just put my stomach back and let me go home!" I was in quite a bit of pain and VERY groggy from the pain medication.

Honestly I didn't have any issues with not being able to eat anything until Thursday because I was so out of it after the surgery. Food was the last thing on my mind. I haven't really had any hunger pains at all. I have felt my tummy growl this afternoon but that's because I've been sleeping on and off since I got home.

The doctor presented my husband with this lovely photo of my guts. He says he loves my guts but honestly who wants to see this? (I'm assuming someone might since I'm posting it here) My doc was very surprised that I didn't have diabetes because of the fat infiltration in my liver. He says that as I lose weight this will go away.

See all that fat? It's disgusting isn't it? I wonder why they don't lipsuction it out when they are doing the surgery? That would be swell wouldn't it?

Anyway...the first night was pure hell. I didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time because I had all these IV fluids going into me and I was up going to the bathroom ALL night long. I wasn't all that happy about them coming into my room to change the sharps container at 3 a.m. either.

At 8:00 a.m. they took about 4 of us down to the radiology department to do a scan of our stomachs to see if they were still holding, any leaks etc. The barium was so gross it made me gag. I really wanted a huge swig of water but there is no such thing as huge swigs right now.

Back to the room around 8:30 and I was brought clear liquids to drink. Protein drinks, Crystal Lite, chicken broth, water. They also brought me a sheet of paper to keep track of my liquids. I'm to drink 1 ounce of liquid every 15 minutes...and it should take just about 15 minutes to get that one ounce down too. I'm forever drinking but it is getting a lot better.

I have NO desire to eat any real food at this point. In fact tonight my family ordered pizza from my favorite pizza place but it kind of looked like my stomach pictures up there so I wasn't feeling cheated at all.

Last night around 8 or so I got on the scale...One day and 6 pounds gone. Today when I got home...another 4 pounds since Wednesday. I know it will slow down but I'm going to make the most of this by following the guidelines strictly. On Thursday, just in time for Thanksgiving, I can add yogurt drinks and soup to my regime. I'm good with that. I don't feel like I have to have pie or anything like that at all. I'm so looking forward to this new life.

I stayed an extra night in the hospital because my white count was up a little bit but after this morning's blood work it was working it's way down so I was discharged. I have to give myself lovanox shots for the next 7 days to thin my blood and prevent blood clots, got an RX for liquid hydrocodone and also for Zofran. I really haven't felt nauseated at all since a few hours after surgery. I'm getting used to swallowing for now.

Look for more updates later.

Dawn of a New Day

2011-11-15T20:44:00.000-06:00

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.

- the movie Forrest Gump

Tomorrow morning I begin anew. Here are the classic before shots. It's me today but not me tomorrow.

P.S. I'm either crazy or brave to post these pictures for the world to see. But then again, I let people see me every day so....

Ch, ch, ch, changes...

2011-11-12T11:27:00.001-06:00

So this morning I've been thinking....I got on the scale this morning and realized that after today I will NEVER see the number that I saw on there today! This is the last weekend before my surgery. I am more than excited!

On Wednesday I went to take my stress test and to the pre surgery class. I got my "Bariatric Bible" which tells me what I can eat for the next 7 weeks and beyond. I'm not gonna lie...the first 3 weeks sound like hell but I know it will be so worth it!

And I chose to have the surgery right before Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I'm really o.k. with it. I had to go grocery shopping yesterday. (I do have a family that needs to eat regular food while I am working on liquids and soft foods.) It was interesting to me how much money I didn't have to spend on groceries. Walking down the aisles and knowing that I cannot put certain things in my mouth kept me from even putting them in my cart. Instead of feeling disappointed at the things I cannot eat I am excited about the weight I will lose and getting back to a healthy weight.

Today I've been a little emotional thinking about how much life will change for me in 4 days. I don't find myself wishing for a cookie or feeling like I'll miss out on food which I obviously will for a while. I find myself thinking about who I will become after this procedure. I find myself thinking, "When people see pictures of me at my daughter's college graduation they will wonder who is standing with my husband and daughter." , "When I am about 5 months out I might just be wearing a size 12 skirt." and things of that nature. I'm really only thinking about the positive things that will come out of this.

I have thought about the negatives, the lose skin, the nausea etc. But overall I'm happy that I can get past those things. I did find out that 2 years post op I will be able to have a tummy tuck. That will be another wonderful day in my life. My stomach has not looked the same since November 1984 when I was about 4 months pregnant with my first child. The stretch marks came even then. My post pregnancy body was such a disappointment to me. I never had the opportunity for my stomach to shrink because the skin was so stretched after my first baby that it just hung there. Not puffy or swollen but hanging. Not a pretty sight. Lucky (and I do say lucky) for me I have a hernia. SO...that means when it's time for that to be fixed I can score a tummy tuck.

There are some whose reactions to my decision have been less than supportive. They've never been me and they've never been this over weight and they've never tried to lose weight unsuccessfully for almost 27 years. Those that are supportive have been great! I'm really excited to recreate this body. The thin girl in me is ready to emerge again!

Day 1 Of Liquid

2011-11-07T16:41:00.000-06:00

I'm not gonna lie...this sucks!

I've had 2 protein shakes today, lots of water and I want to eat my fist off! It's going to be worth it in the end....right?!

I know it will be worth it in the end but you have no idea how much I just want to go in my kitchen and eat something...anything. It can be healthy, I'd eat a banana, an apple or some cottage cheese but I don't think I'm allowed to do that at all. Just the shakes and one lean cuisine or Healthy Choice type dinner.

Now to go make spaghetti for the rest of the family. Can I lick the spoon of the pasta sauce?

A date which will live in...what's the opposite of Infamy?

2011-11-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently the opposite of infamy are dignity, goodness, innocence, morality, righteousness and virtue. I think the most appropriate word for this situation might be goodness.

In any case...I finally have my surgery scheduled for Wednesday, November 16. I will begin my liquid/low cal diet on Monday. I'm supposed to have 2 protein shakes a day and one dinner which should be a Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice type frozen dinner. I also have to go in for a stress test on the 9th. I figure I should do pretty well on that actually. If they make me run they might have to get the paddles out though!

The reality of what I will be going through probably hasn't really sunk into my brain yet. I do know that I'm very prepared for the reality of eating a half a boiled egg and feeling satisfied. I mean, for how many years have I been eating the way I have been. I am praying with all my might that I'll do alright for the 10 days on this low, low cal diet before the surgery.

Now, let me just say a little something about the picture I chose for this blog entry. It says Happiness Just Ahead. I am generally a very happy person. The thing is that I know that I will be happier at a healthier more normal weight. I know I'll be happier not having to shop at plus size stores. I know I'll be happier in some ways that I am not happy in right now. It's not that I expect the surgery to "fix" everything in life. Like I said, I'm pretty darn happy right now! I have a husband who loves me whether I have the surgery or not, I have awesome kids and grandkids, I have a great place to live, a nice car to drive, I have a great spiritual life, I have wonderful friends, a fulfilling job in my church. So it's not that I'm looking for the surgery to "make me happy". I'm just looking for the surgery to help enhance my already happy life. Plus I'm looking forward to buying a pair of jeans that are meant for fit one person and not a pair that two people can wear.

So....some happiness is just ahead. Before the happy part will come some uncomfortable stuff but I'm ok with that.

AND THE LETTER CAME.....

2011-10-29T22:33:00.002-05:00

....in the mail today! I got approved for surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this an answer????

2011-10-25T17:12:00.000-05:00

Could this be possible?

I called the insurance coordinator at my physician's office and she said that she had not heard from my insurance company on the approval yet. She said all paperwork was submitted on Oct 13. It's been 12 days so I thought...what the heck I'll call and find out.

So I just got off the phone with them and the representative said that a letter had been sent out today. One to me. One to the physician. She couldn't find a copy because it might not have been scanned in yet. I asked her if she could find the letter itself. After about 2 minutes she came back to the phone and said that she couldn't find the letter but that according to the documentation, I MEET THE CRITERA!

After I hung up the phone with her I sat there for a second after the butterflies subsided and thought..."Wonder why they don't just say...so you're obese enough to have the surgery!"??? I guess, "You meet the criteria" is a MUCH nicer way to say the same thing!

I don't care how they say it!!!! I'm pretty excited and in a couple of days I will have "official" word and then we can set the date for surgery. In all reality it looks like it will probably be the week of the 7th or possibly the 14th. Just in time for Thanksgiving! That's one way to make sure you don't over eat!

I can't believe that I will finally be able to break free from this body. OH trust me...I know the new body I'll have won't be beautiful. It will be quite ugly but it WILL be healthier! And honestly, I can't lie...I cannot wait to buy normal sized clothes!

I'm Waaaaiiiittttttiiiiinnnnnngggggggg....

2011-10-07T19:58:00.000-05:00

If this takes any longer I might just be dead and not have to worry about the surgery at all! Why is it that the people who are involved this are on vacation? The insurance coordinator person at my doctor's office was out of town last week. I decided that I'd give her a few days to catch up calling back the thousands of overweight people who are waiting to hear about their approvals for surgery.

So....yesterday I finally call the office only to find out that she is OUT on Thursday and Friday THIS week too! Are you for real? Blech. I'll wait till Monday. It's Columbus Day so I hope she's not off that day too!

Tick tock, tick tock

2011-09-27T16:17:00.000-05:00

Found out yesterday that all the paperwork has gone to the insurance company for approval for "medical necessity." Tick tock, tick tock......

One Giant Leap For Mankind

2011-09-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

It's been forever since I blogged about my weight loss experiences and thought it was about time.

I finished my 3 month worth of visits with the dietitian on September 10. I went once a month and sad to say she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I did see some success. I lost 8 pounds in the 3 months. NOT the best weight loss I've ever had but still it is enough of a loss that my doctor is pleased.

Another HUGE success for me is that I stopped drinking carbonated beverages cold turkey. I really haven't had any desire to have them at all. For anyone who knows me they know it's a big deal because I could totally drink a 12 pack of diet Coke a day if I wanted to! I didn't have any stress headaches or anything nor did I have any craving for them.

Perhaps the biggest, and not yet overcome, problem is learning NOT to have any beverages with meals. It's really difficult. I'll be trying to do that this week. I shouldn't even put something on the table with my food. I have to wait for 30 minutes before I can drink so I need to get that figured out pretty quickly.

On Tuesday I finally had my blood drawn to prove that I am not a smoker...my insurance requires you to be nicotine free before you can have the surgery, and then all paperwork will go off to the insurance company. I am really excited about the upcoming events in my life.

I really need some new clothes but I refuse to purchase any in my current size. I have decided that I'll wait till at least Christmas to buy anything new. I'm sure I have enough sizes in boxes to get me through to the new year.

I've been thinking about clothing in a different light. I consider myself to be a fashionable woman even though I am large. I have always taken pride in what I wear and although it's not often that a person wearing a 3x can find something "cute" I think I manage to look fashionable most of the time. However, as I've looked at some outfits online in recent weeks, I can honestly envision myself wearing things that I would probably never choose now. I intend to get some really cute things when I'm thinner.

So in a few days I should be able to schedule the surgery. I was hoping for next week but some of the paperwork has taken longer than I expected. At any rate...I'm more than one step closer.

The ONE thing I'm not really looking forward to is the all liquid diet for a week before and then for 2 weeks after...NO wonder people lose weight!

Do you ever feel like you want to channel Alex from Fatal Attraction?

2011-07-23T12:38:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life I went to meet with a psychiatrist yesterday. My insurance company requires a psychiatric evaluation and a personality test before you can be approved for bariatric surgery. I think that it's a pretty standard requirement for many insurance companies. Honestly, I think the only reason they want you to do the evaluation is to prove you're not Alex from Fatal Attraction! I mean the questions on the thing seemed to be trying to determine whether or not you had tendencies at being psychotic, not really anything to do with your brain/food relationship. Now THAT would be worth knowing about from a person about to have 85% of their stomach cut off!

The test was called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory 2. Here is what the test is looking for and the number of questions for each illness. I don't know how many questions were on the test because my doctor had me stop after the first 370 questions.

1	Hs	Hypochondriasis	Concern with bodily symptoms	32
2	D	Depression	Depressive Symptoms	57
3	Hy	Hysteria	Awareness of problems and vulnerabilities	60
4	Pd	Psychopathic Deviate	Conflict, struggle, anger, respect for society's rules	50
5	MF	Masculinity/Femininity	Stereotypical masculine or feminine interests/behaviors	56
6	Pa	Paranoia	Level of trust, suspiciousness, sensitivity	40
7	Pt	Psychasthenia	Worry, Anxiety, tension, doubts, obsessiveness	48
8	Sc	Schizophrenia	Odd thinking and social alienation	78
9	Ma	Hypomania	Level of excitability	46
0	Si	Social Introversion	People orientation	69

The questions/statements were all true or false and some of the ones that I remember are:

I enjoy seeing animals suffer.
I see people who others do not see.
I have voices telling me what to do.
My father/mother was/is a good person.
I love my father/mother.
I have been in love.
I have taken risks that have gotten me into trouble.
I have been in jail.
I take drugs.
I think people are after me. (there seemed to be a lot of those questions)
Most people lie to get their way.

This site has the test on it and will score it for you. I haven't done it online but I think I might just take it again later today to see what it says! Click HERE

And seriously there were 370 questions like that. Either I will be a psychopath or I'm the most "normal" person he's ever met.

I was a little nervous and found myself being careful not to sit with my legs crossed at the ankles, my arms folded and all the other body language signals that say, "I'm a crazy freak." And if you are a crazy freak I am in no way condemning you. I think we're all a little crazy and freakish at times actually!

It is a little daunting to think you will sit down with someone who makes their living at delving into your psyche. Anyway...come Monday we will see if I "pass"!

Learning to Eat

2011-07-09T23:06:00.002-05:00

The moment we're born we have the innate understanding that we need to eat. If you've ever seen a newborn who is offered the breast or a bottle, you've seen first hand that this instinct is indeed a fact. At some point babies go from eating what they need to eating what they want, like, don't like etc. And at that point in our lives some of us start on the roller coaster of dieting.

I've said before that overweight people are not overweight because they are hungry. How can anyone possibly be THAT hungry? People overeat for a variety of reasons. I for one love the taste and texture of food. I love the crunch, the sweet, the salty. I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, with friends...in other words I love food.

In my lifetime I've tried to lose weight more times than I can count. If only I'd kept off the weight I'd lost over time I'd be invisible by now! After 26 years of being very overweight I am ready to have bariatric surgery. Part of my responsibility to prepare for surgery is to see a registered dietitian so that I can come to understand what life will be like after surgery and to start preparing my mind and body now.

Today I went to the first of 3 classes with Lauren, my doctor's dietitian. Today we learned about some of the things that will have to change after the surgery. I think one of the biggest things is that I will not be able to drink along with a meal. Think about it...most of us have a drink when we sit down to a meal. Take a bite, drink a sip, take 2 bites, take a longer drink. I am also on the quest to stop drinking carbonated beverages which for mean means Diet Coke. Carbonated beverages can actually stretch your stomach and after having this surgery that is the last thing I want to do. I wonder if I can let it sit out and go flat? I'll have to ask about that. I also found out that caffeine is also not good for people who have had bariatric surgery because of the malabsorption problems that patients will develop due to the nature of the surgery.

I have done Weight Watchers so many times that I do know what I SHOULD be eating. I know about portions, and water and protien and carbs and vegetables and fruit. I'm feeling ready to do this for real. I understand that the surgery is a tool to help me and not a solution to my problems. Life after surgery is going to take some adjustment. There will be liquid diets about a week before the surgery and then for about 2 weeks after that to give the wound time to heal.

I have been asked by my doctor to lose 15 pounds before my surgery which will likely take place in late September or early October. So...today after my class I went grocery shopping. Protein shakes, fruit and healthy food fill my cupboards. Here we go.

If you want what you do not have, you must do what you have not done.

2011-06-10T16:53:00.000-05:00

I finally did it!! I went for my consultation with a bariatric surgeon today! I went to a seminar on June 1 and made an appointment then.

Originally I thought I would want to have lap band surgery. After reading some things, talking to some people and doing some research I decided that the band wasn't going to be for me. I don't want to continue going to the doctor for the rest of my life to have the band filled and I also don't want to end up needing surgery at a later date to remove it and possibly have an RNY or a gastric sleeve done any way. Your stomach can only be squeezed so much before the tissue becomes damaged. It doesn't seem like a life long solution to me.

Also, I love sweets and the band is not as effective for people like me. I decided with the help of the surgeon to go with the gastric sleeve. In the event that I ever had to deal with my autoimmune problem in the future it would be necessary for me to be able to swallow pills and that would be very difficult if I had a pouch like in a gastric bypass. There are also less malabsorption issues with the sleeve than with the bypass.

So....my insurance requires 3 months of meeting with a dietician, a meeting with a psychiatrist and letters stating that I have been treated for weight loss before. The doctor wants me to lose 10-15 pounds prior to surgery and I also have to go for some test to prove that I don't smoke. I don't smoke at all but they have to make sure you don't smoke for at least 30 days prior to or after the surgery. Anyway... in 10 days from now I will get a letter from the doctor's office and will then be able to move forward with all of the requirements. At that time I'll also be able to find out what my co-pays and out of pocket expenses will be.

I'm very excited that by September I will have this surgery and by Christmas I should be about 50 pounds lighter and much healthier. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. When the doctor asked me how long I had been overweight and I really had to think about it I came to the realization that for more than half my life I've dealt with being horribly overweight. I am heavier now than I have ever been.

Addicted to Love

2011-05-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

I love sugar. I think that just like my hair is brown and my eyes are brown and my skin is olive because of my D.N.A., that my sugar addiction is written in there somewhere too.

I cannot get enough sugar these days. I absolutely crave cookies, chocolate, candies, anything sweet...except for fruit. I only crave unholy sugar. In my heart I want to be good, but then my brain takes over. Sugar cereal, sugar snacks, sugar, sugar, sugar. It's disgusting I know. I can't even begin to imagine what my blood sugar is on a good day! I should check it out. It's usually not bad but I'm probably killing my pancreas.

On any given day if I could I would do this:

Wednesday is the day I go to the Bariatric Center. I'm excited. Will having my stomach banded take away the addiction? Maybe I'll want to do better when I'm losing 6 pounds in a week? I can only hope.

And ....

2011-05-06T15:29:00.000-05:00

In order to get an appointment I have to go to a seminar by the surgeon so I've scheduled it for June 1. I'm rather excited about it. I see the testimonials of people who have undergone the surgery and I get giddy thinking about the possibility of my own transformation.

Heaven knows that I'll either have to have surgery to get rid of all the skin or just tuck it into my underwear! Either way I'll be healthier and feel better about myself.

I have been tracking my food again on WW and am down 1.8 this week. It feels good but it's such a small dent in a very large (pardon the pun) problem.

In the meantime I'm following the blog of the friend of a friend. It's pretty funny and I relate because I always say I have two butts...one in the back and one in the front! You might enjoy this blog too....My Other Butt.

Ya Gotta Want It

2011-04-14T10:03:00.001-05:00

My son in law is a baseball player. In fact every one of the boys in his family played baseball at some point in their lives. It was so important to them that they have their own batting cage, pitching machine, and space dedicated in their yard to practicing baseball. My son in law played for his high school and college and one of his brothers even did a stint in the minor leagues. I don't know that I will ever understand the desire to practice a sport like that let alone to the point where you could do it semi-professionally.

Hanging on the wall of their barn near the batting cage is a sign that reads, "Ya Gotta Want It". Which brings me to my post today.

I haven't blogged about my "weight loss" in a while because in fact I've been doing quite the opposite. I've gained back all but 5 pounds of my last weight loss attempt. I really think I have an addiction to food. I mean before I even see it or smell it I can think about it and have such an overwhelming desire come over me to go and get a particular thing. Usually for me it's something sweet. I crave sugar. I also love bread. And salty things. And crunchy things. And and and....you get my drift.

Anyway...when I started the blog I called it "Wake Me Up When I'm Thin" because I honestly feel like I went to bed thin and woke up fat. My first pregnancy did my body in. I've had the hardest struggle trying to get thin when what I really just wanted was to "be" thin. The difference between "be" and "do". I haven't really wanted to "do" what it takes to "be" thinner long enough to really make a difference. I'm like Veruca Salt. Remember her from the movie, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? She is the one who uttered those famous words, "I want it now!"

So here's my deal. I am trying to figure out how to engage my brain. I need to figure out how to "want" it. I need to figure out how to have the desire to lose weight more than the desire for food. If you have any suggestions I'm totally open to that. I might consider having my jaw broken on purpose! (just kidding...simmer down)

Because until I really "want" IT (to lose weight) I won't be able to "do" IT (eat right and exercise) to "be" IT (thin-er, healthier, happier etc.)!

Downward Spiral

2011-03-05T19:31:00.001-06:00

Weeks ago I was "determined" to lose 10 pounds before my 47th birthday. Ummm...didn't happen. And why didn't it happen?

I've been on a downward spiral...and not with my weight. My brain is in a downward spiral. I'm not depressed...quite the opposite. I almost feel euphoric yet I seem to have trouble getting control over this area of my life.

I was thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous but my husband does not think it's a good idea. I'm sure he's in denial about my issues. He thinks that because I don't binge and purge that I'm not O.A. material. I've not given up the idea about doing it though.

My "determination" was only a wish. I never did anything to act on the actual idea. I can't even really call it a goal. If it had been a goal I wouldn't have filled my house with cookies, chips, ice cream and other trigger foods. If I had a house full of onions I would've probably lost 50 pounds in a month! If it had been a real goal I would have tracked everything I ate. I would have gotten on the ball when I saw the pounds rising on the scale.

I've gained like 8 pounds since November. It's easy to do. Maybe I should go work in a high school for the "light weight" wrestler guys who have to gain weight. I KNOW how to do that. I also KNOW how to lose weight and for the life of me I don't know what it is going to take to get my brain to engage with my heart.

In my heart of hearts I really want to lose weight. I just can't get my brain and my heart in sync. Pretty soon my heart is going to burst out of my chest because there won't be room in there for it so I better figure this out soon.

I'm contemplating lap band surgery again. This time my insurance covers it so I am giving it a lot of consideration.

Valentine's Day doesn't love me

2011-02-14T11:57:00.000-06:00

I've already eaten enough chocolate that I should dive into a diabetic coma at any second! I haven't eaten anything else so does that help? Oi!!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2011-02-11T07:57:00.000-06:00

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative

Today I looked at this blog and saw that I had a "goal" to lose 10 pounds by my 47th birthday but instead of losing I've gained 4.5 pounds since November 30th. What am I thinking? Oh yeah....I'm not thinking about losing weight at all....and THAT is the problem!

Yesterday I watched Jennifer Hudson on Oprah. That girl has lost 80 pounds! If I could do that I would not be in a size 6 like she is but I would be a much happier person. I would be wearing a size 12 and I'm serious when I say that I'd be happy to wear a size 16 so a 12 would be awesome.

So today it's back to life, back to reality, back from the fantasy. I actually logged into WW today and tracked my breakfast before I even ate it. It kept me focused on what I should really eat this morning.

I can do this. I'm still considering joining Overeaters Anonymous and also having a lap band procedure. I have to check with my doctor as I have some other health issues going on but if my insurance will cover it and if my body can really handle it then I think I want to do it.

I know someone who had that or gastric bypass but didn't tell anyone. Weird huh? But they're not very open about their lives to begin with. Oh they like to know the dirt in everyone else's life but they don't want to share their own dirt!!! Anyway...the person was thin in their younger years and then gained a lot of weight, tried to get it off and then one day started to lose weight. There was exercising involved and not as many calories taken in but when you watched them you just knew that it wasn't because they'd chosen to lose weight but because they couldn't eat more than a few bites at a time.

I wondered why they wouldn't want to share their surgery but never questioned them about it. Even to this day, many years later they don't "fess up" about the surgery. They must feel like it's a weakness or something to have stooped to surgery but I say, "More power to ya" for taking control in whatever way you had to! And I know it must be awesome to wear "normal" sizes again.

Anyway...here we go again.

I'm A Thinker

2011-01-19T00:08:00.004-06:00

My parents had a replica of Rodin's "Thinker" sculpture in their house when I was a kid. My dad made some alterations to it with "Liquid Paper" and gave him some underwear. I always thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway...I'm a thinker. I tend to have common sense when it comes to lots of things. However, I do not appear to have ANY common sense at all when it comes to food. I think about the food and I think about not eating it and sometimes I even push the thoughts out of my mind and move on to other things but most of the time when I think about food I find something to eat. It's a real problem.

As I've thought about addictions I've wondered if having an addiction to food could be treated the way an alcoholic is treated for their addiction or a drug addict is treated for their addiction. Granted, you don't HAVE to have alcohol or drugs to survive. You do HAVE to eat however! So having an addiction to food is BAD because you can't just say..."I will not eat today." and live a healthy life.

I had lunch today with someone who made me think about joining Overeaters Anonymous. I'm thinking about it. I am addicted to food. The way it tastes, smells, feels in my mouth, crunches, the saltiness, the sweetness, the chocolatey yummy goodness. I love it all. I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, bored, satisfied, with friends, alone...pretty much any time.

Other than falling off the back of a pick up truck and having my jaw wired shut (I know a girl that this happened to and she got very thin very quickly) I think that Overeaters Anonymous may be something that might help me.

I've done Weight Watchers and know what to eat but I need to deal with the mental issues of why, how, where, what I eat. So...I'm thinking...

Let's Get Real

2011-01-17T20:16:00.004-06:00

I haven't weighed in at Weight Watchers for about 6 weeks. I have been stepping on the scale at home and I haven't lost one single pound. In fact, I've gained a couple but have managed to get them off and I am back to where I was when I weighed in all those weeks ago. I NEED to go back to WW!

I also haven't tracked one bless-ed thing that I've put in my mouth. As I blog I have a bag of spice drops in front of me. How many points can they be? I don't even want to know. I think I'll be weighing in either tomorrow or Wednesday...I have a weird schedule this week thanks to a college daughter that will need a ride to work both days.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight. I want to. I'm wondering if I don't want it bad enough?! How can that be? I really want to buy beautiful clothes and feel better about myself. It's a new year and it can be a new me...right?! Ok...let's get real. I'm going back!

I have a goal to lose 10 pounds by Feb 15...that's 2 days after my 47th birthday. Here we go....

Sometimes it's good when nothing changes

2010-11-17T19:05:00.002-06:00

Let me just say...last week was not good in the weight loss category of my life. I did not track ONE single item of food I ate. I don't think I ever opened up E-tools on the Weight Watcher website other than to record my weight.

I had a lot going on and just didn't want to face the music. When I knew I had partaken of too many chips or other little goodies, I just attempted to eat a light dinner. Honestly I had no delusions that I would see any loss this week and I fully expected to see a higher number today.

Typically, I go to the meeting at noon but I needed to get some things done and went to an earlier meeting instead. It was PACKED! There we were, a room full of fatties, used to be fatties and semi-fatties. I didn't even have to go into the meeting room to know it was full. While I was checking in I could hear all of the voices and sensed a packed house.

I checked in and hopped (well..seriously what fat person hops?...Ok I stepped gingerly on the scale...maybe gingerly isn't a good description either. Thin people can step gingerly) I stepped onto the scale wishing with all my might that I had lost weight.

In our Weight Watchers office they put the digital read out thing right there on the counter so that you can see it. I NEVER look over at anyone else's weight. It's like a secret Weight Watcher's code that you never look over at another person while they're standing on the scale. It would be like continuing to watch a person you had caught picking their nose. It would be an embarrassment to both of you if they caught you staring so you just keep your head facing your own read out.

Anyway...I could see the number and it was the SAME as last week! Whew! So I stepped off the scale and put my shoes on. Then the gal said, "Oh darn, can you step back up there." It was as if I hoped the number would have gone down another pound or two during those 30 seconds but alas, when I got back on the scale the number was still the same. So she made note of it and then started to hand me my book.

Her: "Congratulations...you reached 20 pounds lost!"
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Yes, look."
Me: "Oh, I'm pretty sure you wrote that last number wrong, I believe it's a 7 and not a 1."
Her: "Well, I don't think so but step on the scale again."

At this point the other lady working there looked up and said, "Are you making a career out of it over there?"

"Yeah right...I love the scale!"...thoughts in my mind...for once my filter kicked in and I didn't say what I was thinking!.

So of course I was right but for a brief second I hoped.

Me: "I knew it couldn't be right because I never tracked one single thing and I just knew that it would take an act of God for that scale to have shown a loss."

I am happy to have stayed the same. If there is one thing I learned this week it's that you can't possibly keep track of all you're eating if you don't write it down. I also learned that when I eat junk I have to remember that I have less real food to eat and I don't feel as good.

Here's to a better week, tracking and all.

Keep On Keepin' On

2010-11-10T15:03:00.003-06:00

After gaining .2 pounds last week and overcoming the mental challenge of being a "gainer" and not a "loser" I lost another 3.8 pounds this last week for a grand total of 15.4 pounds! I'm excited.

I'm able to wear some of the clothes I bought last year after I'd lost 30 pounds (between Weight Watchers and being sick) and am looking better in some of my other clothes.

When I think about the fact that I've lost the equivalent of 3 sacks of flour it really boggles my mind!

I'm still tracking on Weight Watchers e-tools and enjoying food. Last week I took a friend to lunch. I made the mistake of not knowing where we were going to eat, it was her birthday so I let her choose.

She chose Olive Garden. Don't chose Olive Garden if you're on a diet. There isn't too much to choose from there. You can have pasta e fagioli soup, and a bread stick for like 4 points but one serving of their salad is 9 points! WHAT?! For real!

Anyway...we were celebrating. I had salad, one bread stick and pasta e fagioli soup, so not too awful but then we shared an appetizer of fried lasagna things. That sucker had 13 points just for my half and then we shared dessert which was another 8 points or something. My exact point count for that one meal was 26 points! WHOA!

I didn't eat dinner that night, I wasn't hungry. Who would be?!

I did eat things I wanted to and tracked and made good choices for the most part. I still want chocolate and do eat it now and then and as long as I don't feel deprived I'm good.

I'm backin up....

2010-11-03T08:51:00.002-05:00

If you haven't seen this video it's worth the laugh...I thought of this gal when I got on the scale and I had gained .2 pounds this last week. I wish I could find the original news footage so you could see her description of the robbery she witnessed. The song is pretty funny so enjoy.

ANYWAY.....

Back to the weight loss thing...oh yeah, that's what this blog is about.

This last week I tracked but I ate every single point allotted to me and into the weekly points and activity points. I did go to Zumba twice and walked but I was SO snacky! I don't know why. I didn't make the best choices for snacks and I found myself grabbing little nibbles of things here and there. I think the biggest mistake for me was purchasing a bag of peanut M&M's. Not the smartest thing I did all week. I totally thought I could count out 17 of those suckers to myself and I did...the first 3 times and then a few days later I polished them off over the course of a day. I ate 26 points of M&M's that day! CRAZY! INSANITY!

I don't know why I get that way...when all I want to do is just snack and chew and taste the food and hear the crunch. Someone needs to study that. I swear if they could make a chocolate flavored gum that would crunch the way a nut does I'd be SOOO good.

I wasn't surprised that I'd gained and was glad that it was only .2 pounds. I can get it off and lose more this week. I did get out an old Weight Watcher's book and saw that I had lost 24 pounds last year before my "Mystery Illness" set in so I know I can do that and more.

On the plus side...not plus size...but I'm still plus sized, I did get into a pair of jeans that I had gotten last year when I had lost the 24 pounds so that did make me feel better. I got into them and then I sat in them and it wasn't pretty so I took them off. But they did go on and zip up without effort...no writhing on the floor or laying on the bed to get the zipper up. I've literally seen skinny girls do that in a dressing room...it wasn't pretty to watch that even though they were thin.

Here's to this week!

ZUMBA!!!!

2010-10-28T12:16:00.002-05:00

I'm taking a free Zumba class. It's tons of fun! Try it...you'll like it. Gotta love Shakira too!

Oh Happy Day

2010-10-28T11:37:00.003-05:00

I'm a happy girl! I should have blogged Tuesday or yesterday but I've been busy. It's a good busy though.

Went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday. Another week had gone by...I ate every single point allotted to me and then ate into my Activity points. I was nervous. I thought for sure I'd have stayed the same. I didn't really think I'd gained but I wasn't sure what the scale at Weight Watchers would say. I had walked, worked out to Richard Simmons in my living room and had done a real good job at tracking!

Again, I put on the same outfit. Black capri work out pants, gray workout shirt, flip flops...they're easier to get off than regular shoes. I stepped on the scale and lost another 1.6 pounds for a total of 11.8 in 5 weeks! I'm feeling good and I'm not feeling deprived.

Deprivation is a bad thing for me when it comes to food. As soon as I have the feeling that I "can't" have something or if I think that I won't get to eat something I will have a desire to eat only that....in huge quantities.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I went to dinner with some friends. We ate at a Mexican restaurant. They brought chips, salsa, a sour cream dip thing for the chips that is to D.I.E. for! One of the girls in the group is a young mom of 2 children. She is an avid runner, loves to bike and do other exercises. That girl ate more than I did! As I sat there it dawned on me....yet again...that skinny people don't deprive themselves of food.

They really don't. Skinny people eat what they want but then they do things I haven't done...they exercise, they stop eating when they're full, they don't eat that way all the time! As I watched my friend eat her dinner I thought "It's OK if you have some chips and salsa as long as you don't go crazy and as long as you account for your points."

I still have "red light" foods. Nuts are a big red light food for me. So are chips. I've learned to purchase smaller quantities and buy baked versions of my favorite chips. I am learning how to eat less and have even had a pan of brownies in my house so long that they've gone stale! Amazing.

I don't feel deprived at all. Last week I made an apple pie. I ate a nice healthy slice too. I tracked it. One night after I hadn't really had too many points during the day I ate 3 slices of cheese pizza. Tracked that too and still lost 1.6 this week.

I'm a loser

2010-10-19T14:30:00.004-05:00

These photos didn't show up the way I wanted them to but they're supposed to represent 1.4 lbs which is how much weight I lost this week!

The grand total for 4 weeks:

POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...let me be perfectly honest. I was biting my fingernails when I stepped on the scale today. This week, I've tracked but not as good as I did last week. I did more exercise this week though, I went to Zumba and on a couple of walks. (Maybe someday I'll love exercise but I highly doubt it.) I have been watching my portions but I sabotaged myself by bringing Pretzel M&M's into the house. I did count out 17 M&M's to myself and counted every point....a couple of times, meaning I had more than 17 M&M's.

If you've never been overweight you can't relate to this ritual, but this morning I wanted to make sure I'd given myself every advantage when I went to weigh in. I didn't eat this morning, actually I never eat the morning of weigh in. I usually never even have any water because it weighs something and I don't know if I can pee it out before I have to step on the scale. Before I showered I got on the scale, after I showered I got on the scale, then I dried my hair and got on the scale. Then I put on my underwear and got on the scale. After getting dressed I....got on the scale. I took off the pants I had chosen, put on a different pair and got on the scale. I put on some jewelry and got on the scale again. Then I took that jewelry off and put on some other jewelry which was actually .2 of a pound lighter! Why did I go through this you might ask?

According to my scale I hadn't lost anything this week and I did not want to go in to WW showing I'd gained. I could live with staying the same but I did not want to weigh more than I did last week so every ounce counted today!

Lucky for me my scale must be a little off or something but I'm down 1.4 pounds. I feel good about being able to keep it up for the last 4 weeks but 4 weeks is nothing when you have so many more to go.

I still need to keep in mind that there will be good weeks and bad weeks but it's about learning to live a different, healthier lifestyle. It's about life changes not just dietary changes.

Drumroll please.....

2010-10-12T15:53:00.004-05:00

I've had a great week! I have been really good about tracking the good, bad and ugly. But I managed to stay within my points, ate all but 3 of my weekly points and had 14 activity points to spare.

I knew I had lost but I didn't know how much for sure, I never know if my scale is working right or not. I must have been totally stressing about it though because last night I dreamed that I went to weigh in and when I stepped on the scale it read that I weighed 424 pounds. In the dream I was so upset because I knew that I had never weighed that even before starting my diet and we couldn't figure out why the scale was saying that but the Weight Watcher lady wrote that down as my current weight even though she knew it was wrong. Honestly, it was awful and I was grateful that I was able to wake up from my dream.

Anyway...I got to Weight Watchers and stepped up onto the scale with great trepidation. I was ready to see something like a 1 or 2 pound loss but instead it was FIVE POUNDS! I was so excited!!! So that makes it 8.8 in the first 3 weeks.

I'm not feeling deprived at all. I still get to eat treats. In fact last week I ate pizza, a Twisted Root guacamole onion burger and some fries, and had a brownie with ice cream and chocolate sauce on it.

When I look at the picture of what 5 pounds of fat looks like it amazes me that although it looks like a lot I have SOOOOO much more to go. If I can keep up the pace I will lose a total of 35.2 pounds in 3 months. For now I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and just looking at this in 2 pound increments.

5 lbs of FAT!
(This is not me----if I looked like her I would be shopping for clothes instead of writing the blog!)

She's Making History, Working for Victory

2010-10-06T15:42:00.004-05:00

I know you know who she is but...

Here is some information on Rosie the Riveter on the National Park Service Website (Click on that and it will give you the full information)...

"Before the United States entered World War II, several companies already had contracts with the government to produce war equipment for the Allies. Almost overnight the United States entered the war and war production had to increase dramatically in a short amount of time. Auto factories were converted to build airplanes, shipyards were expanded, and new factories were built, and all these facilities needed workers. At first companies did not think that there would be a labor shortage so they did not take the idea of hiring women seriously. Eventually, women were needed because companies were signing large, lucrative contracts with the government just as all the men were leaving for the service.

Working was not new to women. Women have always worked, especially minority and lower-class women. However, the cultural division of labor by sex ideally placed white middle-class women in the home and men in the workforce. Also, because of high unemployment during the Depression, most people were against women working because they saw it as women taking jobs from unemployed men.

The start of World War II tested these ideas. Everyone agreed that workers were greatly needed. They also agreed that having women work in the war industries would only be temporary.

The United States government had to overcome these challenges in order to recruit women to the workforce. Early in the war, the government was not satisfied with women’s response to the call to work (Rupp 98).

The government decided to launch a propaganda campaign to sell the importance of the war effort and to lure women into working.

They promoted the fictional character of “Rosie the Riveter” as the ideal woman worker: loyal, efficient, patriotic, and pretty (Yellin 43). A song, “Rosie the Riveter”, became very popular in 1942. Norman Rockwell’s image on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post on May 29, 1943 was the first widely publicized pictorial representation of the new “Rosie the Riveter”.A few months after Rockwell’s image, the most famous image of Rosie appeared in the government-commissioned poster “We Can Do It” (Yellin 44).

Here are some of the words to the song about Rosie the Riveter:

All the day long,
Whether rain or shine
She’s part of the assembly line.
She’s making history,
Working for victory
Rosie the Riveter

So, why have I chosen Rosie the Riveter as my symbol for weight loss today you may ask? Well, the words, "We Can Do It" have been echoing in my mind today.

I went to WW to weigh in yesterday and am down another 1.6 pounds for a total of 3.8 in two weeks. It is difficult for me not to be discouraged even though I am losing. I keep asking myself why I'm discouraged when the plan is obviously working for me. Maybe I'm conditioned to seeing larger losses because of idiot shows like The Biggest Loser where people are losing 10 pounds in a week.
Weight loss of about 2 pounds per week is preferable and studies show that if you lose weight faster than that it's bound to come right back when you go off the diet.

I haven't felt deprived at all in my efforts to lose weight. I've enjoyed pizza, steak, ice cream and other snacks the last 2 weeks. I've eaten my points and my weekly points as well which have contributed to me feeling like I can still enjoy eating and lose weight.

I thought of Rosie when I got in the car and said out loud, "I can do it." I just need to stay committed and on the path I'm on.

Writing things down is key. Even the 1/3 cup of cashews I throw into my mouth has to be tracked. If I don't it's too easy to lose track of what I'm putting in my mouth and sooner than later the pounds will start coming back.

So....I've chosen Norman Rockwell's original image of Rosie the Riveter...namely because she was the first and secondly because she has a sandwich in one hand!

I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Hopefully I can make history, working for victory.

Minus 2.2

2010-10-01T07:18:00.005-05:00

On Tuesday, Sept 28th I went in for my first weigh in at Weight Watchers. I've had several first weigh in's at WW in my lifetime! My experience has been that the first week is always a banner week for me. Typically I lose around 4 pounds and a couple of times was even down 6 pounds in the first week!

During my first week on the program this time, I tracked EVERY single thing I put in my mouth....good, bad or ugly it went on the tracker.

Before I left for my initial weigh in I weighed on my scale at home and there was a slight difference in the scale at WW and my scale at home but I accounted for that during the week when I would weigh at home. According to my scale at home, by the appointed weigh in day, I was down 4 pounds. "Not bad!", I thought to myself.

To my amazement when I got on the scale at WW on Tuesday I was only down 2.2 pounds. I am very superstitious about weighing on the same scale at WW each time so it wasn't the fact that I had weighed on a different scale. It just didn't show the weight loss I had anticipated and frankly, I was very disappointed.

I stayed through the meeting as we talked about how to shop at the grocery store, but my mind was on that 2.2 pounds of weight loss and how I wanted it to be more. After the meeting, part of me just wanted to go through the drive through at McDonald's and get a Big Mac! I started to have the mindset that if I was only going to lose 2.2 pounds the first week even after tracking everything that I was doomed! What kind of craziness is that?!

Instead of driving up to the nearest McDonald's, I ate one of my Weight Watchers Mini Caramel treat things for 1 point and drove home to have my Weight Watchers Santa Fe Rice and Beans frozen meal for lunch. It's excellent by the way, and very filling. Crisis averted.

Before I could get really depressed about my "unsuccessful weight loss number" I Googled a photo of a pound of fat. I've done that before but I needed to see it again. As I looked at it and realized that I'd lost the equivalent of half a bag of sugar I came to understand that I had indeed lost weight and that I was doing alright.

So, here I am in week 2 and doing pretty well. I've stepped on the scale every morning and can see small weight loss daily. That keeps me motivated. Here's to weigh in day on the 5th...

Time to Pay the Piper

2010-09-27T20:24:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I will weigh in after my first week back on Weight Watchers. I think I've done pretty well. I've been good about tracking online and even figured out that I can get to the tracker on my phone so that's helped when I've been out.

I need to drink more water and figure out how to get in more fruit and veggies. Sometimes the thought of another salad gags me.

So...stay tuned to see how it goes tomorrow.

Here We Go Again....

2010-09-21T07:51:00.005-05:00

For a long time I've theorized that there is something inside an overweight person's mind that makes them see themselves as being less heavy than they really are. I think it's something similar to the way a person with anorexia views themselves only in reverse.

In my humble opinion it's more socially acceptable to be anorexic than obese. Let's be honest, most people would rather look at at woman who is thin and perceives herself as being overweight than vice-versa.

To illustrate my point just look at the photos below and decide which one you'd rather see in action.

My point exactly!!!!

Anyway....I know I'm overweight/obese. I know I need to lose weight and I've done it so many times in the past. I'm sure over the years I've lost 200 pounds...of course not all at one time.

I had an epiphany the other day. I got on the scale. I am heavier now than I have ever been. Part of that is due to the steroids I have been on for 9 months. I am off now and have seen some (like 3 pounds) weight loss in the 3 weeks that I've been off of them but I am still heavier than ever before.

It's not like I didn't know the numbers when we went to the outlet mall the other day either. We went there so my husband could get some shoes. After he got shoes, I stopped in at the Lane Bryant outlet. I can usually spy something there but there was nothing in my size. There were a TON of 18/20 and 14/16. I hardly call a 14/16 plus size by the way!

I was more than disappointed and realized that not only did I have a hard time finding clothes in my size but I also have a hard time finding shoes in my size--size 11, rings-size 10, and bracelets/watches-I need something that will fit an 8" wrist comfortably. In every fashion aspect of my life I have difficulty finding things that are attractive and my size.

The ride home was quiet. I silently shed a few tears in my seat on the way home and my sweet husband sensed that something was wrong and stroked my hair and told me he loved me. The thoughts of despair came quickly but at one point I realized that I needed divine help.

We've all heard of 12 step programs for addictions. I figured that if an alcoholic can pray for help and a drug addict can pray for help than why shouldn't I be able to pray for help with my addiction to food?

At that point I figured that there really wasn't anything to cry about. I am a pretty capable woman in most areas of my life. I can be a procrastinator sometimes but I am generally able to accomplish what I put my mind to. I decided that there were some things that I could do to be more successful in this area of my life.

I do believe that if you put God first in your life that He will make up any difference you may have in your life. I honestly feel that if I can do some basic spiritual things better in my life that I will have a mindset of success.

So...at great risk of some day being ridiculed for what I'm attempting...yet again...I have decided that:

1. I will pray for help every day.

2. I will read and study the scriptures for 30 minutes every day.

3. I will join Weight Watchers again. ( I actually did that online this morning and will go to a meeting this afternoon)

4. I will do something to move my body at least 3 times a week.

Taking the steps to try means something. Little by little, line upon line. Today is day 1...again.

What day is it?

2010-08-25T13:06:00.004-05:00

I don't even know what day of my "diet" this is. Probably because I gave up after day 7. Not totally given up "given up" but I haven't really done anything that would say..."I'm on a diet." I've pretty much eaten what I wanted.

I haven't gained any weight and I've lost like a pound but seriously I could gain a pound in an afternoon so what does that tell you!?

Today I had to have a follow up appointment at the doctor for an illness that I'm dealing with and she said that I've gained weight since my last appointment with her (Feb 10) but that she isn't surprised because of the fact that I take Prednisone.

Hmmm...could it be the fact that I've had a couple of bowls of Blue Bell's Caramel Kettle Crunch ice cream...which should be illegal to make let alone eat! Or the Otis Spunkmeyer cookies that I have the pre-made dough for? I could eat a dozen of those in an hour no problem!

Let's just go with the Prednisone theory! I'll take what I can get.

Anyway...it's now cooling off here and I'm determined to do better at exercising...and by that I mean walking at least 3 times a week to start out with. You just can't do that when it's literally 107 outside! Today's high is 88 so I think tonight will be a good night for a walk don't you?

If Day 4 and 5 were bad...

2010-07-26T10:58:00.003-05:00

then days 6 and 7 were disgusting!

After YEARS of dieting and losing weight and gaining weight I DO know certain things. One of those things is that having junk in your house is weight loss suicide!

I do have healthier choices in the house but when there is a pan of caramel brownies on the counter a nectarine just doesn't sound or smell as good. I shouldn't have even had ONE but I did and then I had another 4 or even 5 in the last 18 hours. I didn't make them, my daughter did but I didn't stop her, in fact I asked her to do it. What is wrong with me?

This weekend we packed more boxes, did good deeds, went to church, and ran errands. Too many unhealthy choices in food. I didn't want to go to a restaurant to eat so we opted for fast food too many times this weekend. I have to think more about what I am putting into my mouth. Maybe I need a buddy?? A person that I would actually tell how much I weigh. Could I do that? Can I tell someone who knows me what the actual numbers on the scale say?!???? I'll have to give that some thought.

We start moving tomorrow and I'm determined to make a fresh start in many aspects of my life.

So far today is not a total loss. I WILL make changes for the rest of the day.

Day 4 and Day 5-Not so Good Days

2010-07-23T21:44:00.004-05:00

Ok...so I didn't blog this morning because I left the house at 8:30 and didn't come back until around 3:30 or so. It's been a long day. And a horrible day for eating, as was yesterday.

Yesterday I felt so snacky all day. It could be stress...I have a lot to do in the next week. I think I chose better than I have in the past, tried to stick to 100 calorie packs but I seriously ate 3 of those things. I should have had a Snickers bar...at least I would have enjoyed it more!

Went out to dinner last night with friends and we went to Chipotle. I meant to look up WW points on Dottie's blog thing but didn't and although I ordered a salad with beans and chicken I think I should have left off the sour cream drizzle, guacamole---not a drizzle, and the corn. I have no idea what the calorie content of that little doozy was.

This morning I ate a bowl of Special K with half a banana and some Splenda. I also had a glass of Lite Pomegranite Raspberry juice. Only 5 calories on the juice so I felt fine about that. I really did start off well but then by 12:30 I was starving. We were out in the BOONIES and seriously THE only place was Sonic. There is nothing diet at Sonic. I should have gone for a jr. burger and tots but I didn't. I actually ate a regular hamburger and ordered a large onion rings. Thankfully the 2 other people with me ate half the onion rings but seriously I felt sick after I ate.

Tonight I had 3 slices of a medium Dominos pizza with ham, pineapple and black olives on it. I would have been ok with 2 but then my husband offered me a third piece. I swear he's a "feeder". Another topic for another blog.

So I am feeling really crappy tonight...hence the cartoon at the top. Tomorrow WILL be better. I have some yummy nectarines on the counter waiting for me in the morning.

Note to self....drink more water and recognize your thirst isn't hunger.

Day 3- I've Always Liked Slides

2010-07-22T08:32:00.002-05:00

What, not the image you had in mind for a slide? Hmmm...if I wouldn't bleed to death I might think that particular slide was a good idea....especially since I could use a little (ok A LOT) shaved off my butt!

Anyway...yesterday morning I got the house sort of straightened up and took my son to the pool. I basked in the bright sunshine for a little while, until perspiration actually dripped down my neck, and then got into the pool myself. I managed to swim about 7 laps. It's not an olympic sized pool by any stretch of the imagination but it was movement and it did feel good.

As for eating yesterday I started out with a fresh yogurt strawberry and banana smoothie. It was excellent and although I really wanted something else after that, I got dressed and we went to the pool instead. By the time we got home at 11:30 I was pretty starving though.

Lunch consisted of more chicken salad, this time on one of those Arnold Sandwich Thins. Those are pretty delicious if you haven't tried them. I also had a salad with lite Ranch dressing. I really need to go get my favorite dressing which is Ken's fat free Caesar dressing.

About an hour or so after that I was hungry again! Some days are like that for me. I just want to snack. So I opted for Smart Pop kettle corn. The whole darn thing is only 1 point for Weight Watchers so I chomped away.

Through the day I also managed to eat two 100 calorie pack snacks. I told you it was a snacky day for me. I also chewed a lot of gum yesterday! Note to self...stock up on Extra gum next time you're at Walmart.

By the time dinner time came I wasn't in the mood to cook so while my husband and son ate left overs and cereal respectively. I had another chicken salad sandwich and a salad.

In the evening my husband went to do a little service project for a lady in our church and I went with him. It took a little longer than we expected and it was HOT outside. Our 9 year old was with us and he was really good so on the way home we stopped at Braum's. It's an ice cream joint. They also have real food and a little grocery store. Kind of an odd combo but it works for here.

Anyway...Braum's is one of our favorite places. I mean, you can get a single scoop waffle cone for $1.25!!! So...that's where I slid. I indulged in a single scoop of German Chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone. I have NO idea what the caloric intake was. I seriously need to get moved so I can unpack my scale and get back to WW for real!

I'm counting the pluses and the minuses for yesterday and moving forward today. So far it's 8:44 and I haven't had breakfast but I'm headed in that direction now. Probably another smoothie and maybe some oatmeal.

Day 2-Baby Steps

2010-07-21T08:36:00.003-05:00

Those chubby little legs and feet are cute. Mine are chubby, not little and they're definitely not cute!

Baby steps are important. It's important to start somewhere, to start slow and hold someone's hand if you have to. Babies kind of have to get used to the idea of being upright and figuring out how their body balances before they can take off and walk let alone run.

I am thinking that I will update this blog everyday. We'll see how that goes. But here's the 411 about yesterday.

I bragged about eating a great breakfast which was awesome. I didn't feel hungry at all during the morning. I ate around 7. By 10:30 I was in the car with my daughter to run an errand which was about 30 minutes away.

On the way we had to go past QuikTrip...it's like a 7-11. My favorite drink there is Diet Pepsi with some vanilla flavoring added in. I got a 44 ounce drink! I don't know how many calories the vanilla flavoring has in it and frankly I didn't care. I was "rewarding" myself for doing so well up to that point. Fat people do that...reward themselves. Why? I don't know. Topic for another blog.

If you're going to get a fountain drink at a gas station it's not like you can't NOT get a snack. So...I tried to make a good decision and didn't do very well. I chose peanuts. I guess it could have been worse, I could have gotten the Twix I really wanted. The problem with the nuts was that I didn't buy the little tube of nuts. I bought a small bag for $1.99.

Along the drive I snacked away, all the while thinking I should stop eating the nuts. At one point I did put them in the glove box. But I swear they called my name out loud! I don't know what it is about nuts but I love the crunch, the salt, and the entire experience of eating nuts. So before we had gotten to our destination the whole bag was gone. I felt pretty sick about it but what was I going to do at that point. If I'd been someone else I might have stuck my finger down my throat but I hate to vomit so why would I???

So...we did our errand, walked the mall (that's a plus) but I sampled a pepperoni pretzel from Auntie Annies! Is there anything more delicious than an Auntie Annie's pretzel? I don't think so. I didn't buy one though. I was satisfied with the nibble I tried. More shopping. Then we left the mall.

By this time it was about 1:00 in the afternoon. I was hungry for some real food. I'd heard about Pei Wei and hadn't tried it so we went in. My daughter and I got the Sesame Chicken. It came with brown or white rice. I should have chosen brown but I got the white. My success there was that I didn't eat the entire meal. I packaged up more than half and brought it home to my husband.

So all in all I didn't think I did too badly on the lunch. I really need to log this food into Weight Watchers but my scale is packed and I'm not doing that until I get moved next week. Anyway...I didn't have any snacks during the afternoon but by dinner I was pretty hungry.

I made chicken salad for dinner. I added some pineapple, grapes, craisens, celery and some cashew nuts along with the shredded chicken and miracle whip lite. I ate it on a whole grain bun and had a salad with lite ranch dressing.

After dinner, my son and I went for a walk. I walked and he rode his bike. I walked as fast as I could and we walked for a solid 45 minutes. I was drenched by the time I got back.

It felt good to walk, iPod in my ears with the music blaring. Note to self...upload some better music. Colbie Caillet is ok but not really as inspiring as Beyonce's Bootylicious!

As I walked, a cool breeze blew and as I listened to the music I felt envigorated. By the time I got home my knees were in somewhat of a rebellion as I continue to struggle with some joint inflammation but I'm determined to keep going. Maybe tonight I'll go back to the pool for a little while.

So far this morning I've had a strawberry banana smoothie for breakfast. We're getting ready to go to the pool before it feels like the surface of the sun out there. Hopefully I can get some laps in.

That's baby steps so far.

A New Day

2010-07-20T08:33:00.003-05:00

I hesitate to even blog about what is going to be yet another attempt to lose weight. I wish I could say that this time I know for sure I won't fail. I am not even sure that right at this moment I have the resolve NOT to go to the pantry and find something to eat in the next 30 seconds, let alone stay on a diet for any length of time.

Here's what I do know....I have to do something. At this point any little something is better than what I've been doing...which is eating whatever I want. Thanks to giving in to those urges I've managed to put on all the weight I'd lost when I was sick-30 lbs. That's a lot of weight. I mean seriously...it's a toddler!

I would like to blame it all on the Prednisone. I'm sure that hasn't helped. And I'm sure that it also hasn't helped that my joints have been so miserable that just going up the stairs was an effort. It was much easier to walk to the pantry or the refrigerator! But it's not all the drugs or my joints. It's really my brain. It's giving in to impulses and not even trying to resist them.

So...with all that said, I've started a New Day....again. And here's the thing...every day is a new day and every day I can essentially start again. There will be mistakes made but I need to just keep moving forward. I have to account for the little successes.

Yesterday's success was going to the grocery store and using my Weight Watchers points calculator AND not buying any junk food. I really really wanted to...but I didn't and I had to give myself a little pat on the back.

Last night and the night before we went for a walk. Moving is essential. I need to do that too. I might not have walked a mile but at least I got out. I also swam laps last night at the pool. Not anything significant but again...I moved.

Today's success so far, I ate a good breakfast. It wasn't cookies or chips or a bagel with cream cheese.

Happy New Day.

Leave us Alone President Obama!

2010-07-18T18:02:00.004-05:00

This morning as I ate my breakfast (Special K with half a banana and 2 packets of Splenda) I sat at the computer to check out happenings on Facebook. One of my friends, who happens to be very thin, posted a link to an article about how President Obama wants to "demand obesity ratings for all Americans." Here is the article on Fox news in it's entirety....
_____________________________________________
Feds to Monitor Obesity as White House Promotes Obama Cook to Senior Position

Published July 17, 2010

FoxNews.com

Saturday: First lady Michelle Obama speaks about childhood obesity to the National Governors Association Winter Meeting in Washington. (AP)

As the Obama administration sets its sights on overweight Americans, demanding obesity ratings for all citizens by 2014, the White House has promoted the Obamas' personal cook to a senior advisory position.

Sam Kass, the 20-something Chicago chef, is now the White House "Food Initiative Coordinator," Kass' title reportedly was upgraded last month from food initiative coordinator to senior policy adviser for health food initiatives. His duties have not changed.

The change comes as the Health and Human Services announced this week that under the stimulus law, health care providers must establish "meaningful use" of electronic health records to qualify for federal subsidies or risk seeing their Medicare and Medicaid payments slashed. The electronic health records must include Americans' body mass index, or BMI, height and weight.

Critics say the BMI is unreliable and the ratings will lead to more government intrusion.

Supporters say the ratings will serve as motivation for weight loss.

"The fact we're now tracking BMIs', I think knowledge is power for us," nutrition expert Mitzi Dulan told Fox News."There are a lot of people that don't know their BMI and it's denial.

Dulan noted that a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that $147 billion is spent annually on obesity-related costs, or 10 percent of medical costs.
________________________________________________________________________

Ok...here's the deal. If you're obese you know it and you're not in denial. You just don't want to do anything about it because if you did you would!

My doctor and I already know that I'm overweight and that I should lose weight. My health insurance company has NEVER sent me literature on programs they offer to us over eaters to lose weight....and why is that? Probably because they don't do anything to help overweight people gain better health. It's all up to you. If you're anorexic they have stinking programs in patient and out patient for you. They don't just tell you to go eat a freaking sandwich!!!!

If you go to your doctor to talk about your weight, the likelihood is that your insurance company won't even cover the visit because they don't cover weight loss as a medical benefit. This happened to me once when I went to the doctor for a routine visit and because I mentioned that I wanted to lose weight, and because the doctor wrote in the code for that, they denied the claim for my entire visit...so they in essence told me not to talk to my doctor about being fat!

Now if I had high blood pressure, or if I had diabetes or needed a knee replacement because of my weight then that would be a different story. They do NOTHING for preventive care for the obese patient!

Want to have gastric bypass surgery? Go talk to any weight loss surgeon and find out how they have to finagle the system to code the thing right so that it looks like if you don't have the surgery you're going to drop dead within seconds of the denial to have the surgery!!!! Want weight loss medications? Be prepared to shell out $60-$100 for a prescription...who wants to do that when you can eat out at Burger King about 15 times for that amount of money!!!! I'm just kidding! Relax.

You get my point. I think President Obama should just worry about himself. When he quits smoking he can worry about the health of other Americans. Do we "demand lung health ratings" from smokers? Don't people who smoke have issues that cost money!??!!! Give me a BREAK! Maybe we should "demand stupidity ratings" for all those in government or for that matter the general population...but that's a topic for a whole other blog!

Is this a Weight Loss Blog or what?

2010-06-12T08:47:00.003-05:00

Theoretically this is what the process of weight loss looks like:

Up until December 2009, I was doing alright with the "weight loss thing" and then I got sick and everything ended up in the toilet. (Hmmm...maybe not a good analogy! I crack myself up)

Today as I was on my facebook account I noticed that a good friend of mine had posted a photograph of herself 13 pounds lighter in a new pair of jeans. She actually credited my blog with helping her. I would like to think it's because I'm an inspiring person but it could just be that she doesn't want to be as pathetic as I am weight wise. I just know that since I haven't really blogged about my success....because there has been none...that she must be inspired to lose weight so that she doesn't end up looking like me!

Well my friend, C.M., I think you may have inspired me. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought..."I have GOT to do something!" So, I think I'm back on the bandwagon. There are no "treats" in the house and I have to go grocery shopping today so it's the perfect time to start anew.

Here's to new beginnings. I'm still not in any frame of mind to post my actual weight. I'm not brave enough but maybe someday I'll tell.

National Geographic

2010-05-07T12:30:00.006-05:00

Erma Bombeck said, "I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."

I totally understand her thinking! There is nothing that makes a fat person more self conscious than being naked. And let's be honest, tan fat does look better than pale fat!

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. ~Ellen DeGeneres

2010-04-21T12:50:00.002-05:00

Just that quote from Ellen made me want a cinnamon roll! I'll just look at a picture and be satisfied for now.

It's been quite a while since I've blogged on this weight loss blog and that's because I haven't really been focused on losing weight. I've been focused on staying alive and pain free. I've gotten the "alive" part down and am working on the "pain free" part. I thought it might be a good idea to start back with some sort of exercise. So today I went to an exercise group that the girls at church are doing.

Now...let me be clear...I was the oldest person there. I'm 46, the other 4 girls are younger than 28. They've all borne children but they don't have near the mileage on their bodies as I have on mine.

Today was body sculpting. I have too much to sculpt! My stomach looks like this...only worse! I would NOT put a photo up of my real stomach. I might get inquiries by the FCC or whoever monitors content on the internet...do they even do that? I doubt it. Anyway...

Now that I look at this chick's stomach fat I'm wishing mine looked as good!

This is what the instructor's stomach looks like after birthing 3 children! I even told her that her stomach was concave. She does not have an ounce of fat on her! She rode her bike 10 miles up and down hills for fun yesterday! Who does that? She's healthy and I say...good for her!

Again, not her real stomach but I would venture to say it's pretty darn close!

I don't know how long this exercise regimen will last but I have to do something. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see what he says about what would be best for my joints. I've never considered myself an unhealthy person. I never had one symptom from being overweight, no joint problems, no diabetes, no lung problems etc. When I've worked out in the past I never felt pain at all during a workout. Since my drug allergy and near death experience I have most of those thing. Today was VERY different. I have to remember that my body has been through hell and its going to take some time to recover.

Its not my goal to have a flat stomach. I don't even really care about that. Again, I'd be happy to shop in "normal" size clothing shops and have more of a choice than the "Omar the Tent Maker" section of the store!

We'll see what Friday brings...it's yoga day.

Why bother....

2010-02-05T06:37:00.002-06:00

So I'm thinking that since I've gotten sick and I'm taking Prednisone, that there is no sense in trying to LOSE weight at this point. I should probably focus on getting healthy rather than getting thinner.

Prednisone is not my friend either. I have gained 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I literally want to eat my fists off.

Anyone out there have any tips to keep this from happening? Please feel free to share.

The first step might just be NOT bringing "bad" foods into the house to begin with!

I almost did it.

2010-01-16T21:24:00.002-06:00

I actually almost woke up thin!

I got deathly ill on Dec 18 and since then I've lost 25 pounds. Now if the Prednisone will cooperate and NOT make me eat like a crazy person!

What is an eating disorder?

2009-12-15T08:48:00.003-06:00

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (click on the name to go to the site) an eating disorder is when you have one or more of these issues...Anorexia Nervosa, Binge Eating or Bulimia Nervosa.

Why am I blogging about this on my weight loss blog? Well, this morning I watched Good Morning America. They featured a woman who was pregnant who compulsively exercised and was obsessive about how much weight she gained not only when she was pregnant but at other times in her life as well.

As the segment finished up I found myself really MAD! They classified this woman as having an eating disorder and I wondered why it was that people felt badly for her and were, what I believe is, abnormally concerned for her!

Here's my issue... Why is it that they won't just tell a person who is thin and has issues with eating/not-eating that they should just go eat a freaking sandwich!!! I mean what do they tell overweight people??!!!! To STOP eating a freaking sandwich!!! No one ever tells an overweight person that there is something in their brain that makes them that way!

About 5 years ago I called my insurance company at the time to see if they would cover gastric bypass surgery. I was told they would not. As I thought about it I decided to call back with another question. "Will you cover treatment for anorexia?" I was put on hold while the person checked my plan and was eventually told that if I was seeking treatment for the problem as an outpatient than the treatment would be covered. I was LIVID. I launched into a tirade, to someone who really couldn't do anything, about how unfair it was and that they were discriminating against fat people!

I'm no expert but I would venture to say that overweight people have MORE health related issues than a person who vomits on purpose or who doesn't eat enough!

Why is it that people fall over themselves trying to "help" a person who refuses to eat but we look at a person who overeats as merely being out of control? Is a thin person who REFUSES to eat, or throws up NOT out of control????

I say...GET A GRIP! If you're not going to treat overweight people with the same commitment that you will an anorexic person YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING!

What does a pound of fat look like anyway?

2009-12-04T21:12:00.005-06:00

This is what a pound of fat looks like.

I went to Weight Watchers today after spending the morning in my son's classroom cutting 1 1/2 inch strips of green construction paper for some Christmas project they're going to do. I was too late for the meeting but I decided that I should at least go and weigh in.

Once again, I spent the week NOT tracking. Not even posting my weight gain from last week or ever tracking one thing I put in my mouth for the week. I don't know why I've developed such an aversion to tracking all of a sudden. That's another blog post.

I was totally prepared to step on the scale and not see any loss but to my "shock and awe" I lost one pound. At first I was like..."Well, that stinks!" but then I thought, "Well it's one pound less than I weighed last week and at least it's something."

After the day was almost over I decided to Google an image for a pound of fat and found the photo that I posted here. I'm actually impressed by what it looks like. It's gross looking but it looks more substantial than just saying, "I lost one pound."

Black Friday

2009-11-27T17:25:00.002-06:00

It's Black Friday. Today used to be the day that retailers nationwide would recover from any slumps they had during the year and be "back in the black" as far as their profit margins. In the past I've done my part to help this happen but in recent years haven't really gotten up early to fight the crowds. This morning was a little different.

This morning at 2:25 a.m. I got up out of my warm bed after sleeping for only 3.5 hours. My daughter and I got up to go to Old Navy which was opening at 3 a.m. I knew I would not be the first person in line, nor did I want to be. All I wanted was a frost free coat for my son that was on sale for $15. I didn't even care about anything else.

We got to the store around 2:55 and the doors opened and within about 10 minutes we were inside and I bolted for the boys' section. I grabbed 3 different coats in his size and pushed my way through the crowd to find my daughter to ask her which one she thought I should purchase. We chose a simple black jacket and shopped for a couple of more things and got in line. The line went in front of the registers down to the back of the store, across the back of the store and then back down towards the front. We stood in line for about 45 minutes but I got my son his coat!

We got home around 5 and I went back to bed. I really wanted to sleep in but I was also determined to go and weigh in at Weight Watchers today.

As for Weight Watchers and Black Friday.... I knew I should go even though I had no idea how I would do. I could be "in the black" and be up or I could be "in the red" and losing. Unfortunately I was "in the black". Up 2 pounds. I will attribute some of that to the fact that I wore heavier clothing since it was really cold today, that thanks to mother nature I'm experiencing "feminine issues" and mostly to the fact that I haven't even signed on to WW to enter my points for the last 2 weeks. How pathetic is that?

I KNOW that I can't keep track of the points mentally in my head. I also know I can't keep track of my checkbook in my brain and yet I never write anything down in the register and am constantly "surprised" at how much money I've really spent. Well...I wasn't really surprised at the fact that I'd gained weight....again.

Why can't I just write it down??? If you snack it...track it!!! This week will be better.

I am proud of myself though for even going to weigh in today. Of all the people in my group I was the only one who weighed in today. Although I couldn't stay for the meeting the leader congratulated me for coming in and being accountable.

I think I need a specific goal for the week. Any suggestions before I really start out the weekend?

Where have I been?

2009-11-22T20:27:00.004-06:00

Ok...so I didn't get to WW on Friday like I should have. It's not that I was afraid to weigh in...I had to go to school and help with my son's Thanksgiving Feast! (I think I might have lost a pound last week.)

Let's talk about Thanksgiving for a minute shall we? Remember when you were a kid and you got together with family and friends and you couldn't sit at the table with the adults? Where did you sit? You had to sit at the "kid's table".

The kid's table was fine when you were small but it was torture when you were 11 or 12. By then you wanted to sit at the regular table where you could serve yourself and cut your own food. More importantly as an adult...you could get your own dessert!

Let's be honest! I LOVE dessert. Pie, cookies, cake, candies, anything sweet. I think it's in my DNA...my dad was a total sweet lover, my grandmothers both loved sweets too. My dad's mother used to make a couple of things that I loved for some reason. Thinking back on it I have to wonder why this was her choice of "poison"...she would get the heal of a nice crusty French bread, dig out the light fluffy bread in the center and put olive oil and sugar in the bottom of it. I LOVED eating that.

The other thing she taught me to eat was bread dipped in Carnation sweetened condensed milk. Even as I type this I get a craving for it! I haven't eaten it in years but I can seriously taste it! It sounds gross but to me it was divine!

Anyway...at our last WW meeting we talked about how to make our Thanksgivings less about food and more about family. I remember one year doing Christmas crafts as a group. It was nice because we sat around the table and talked and created. It was bliss. Someone else had a great idea which I think I appreciate now because my dad passed away 16 years ago. She said that each one of the kids got to ask a member of the family about any interesting events or memories that happened to them at the same age as the child asking the question. (Does that make sense to you?) The child interviewed the person and wrote it down and then presented it to the rest of the family.

I don't know what we'll do this year as a tradition to make it less about food and more about family. If you have any ideas feel free to comment.

I am glad that I won't be sitting at the children's table though because I plan on serving myself dessert. It will be a rough day since I have to weigh in the day after Thanksgiving....we better eat early!

I was a Puff Momma!

2009-11-14T14:08:00.003-06:00

Ok...so last week when I weighed in at WW I had a 4 pound gain. This was after flying 36 hours prior to weighing in. Supposedly flying can make you retain water. It has something to do with the cabin pressure and the lack of movement. I was willing to grasp that straw because I knew I'd eaten more junk than I should have but I honestly didn't feel like I'd gone crazy. I was, however, willing to accept my fate because I didn't track AT ALL while I was gone.

So I prayed for a loss this week of at least the 4 pounds I'd gained the week prior. Along with praying I went back on a diuretic that my doctor had prescribed a while ago. I'd been off of them for a while but with the gain and the fact that my legs, hands, feet and face were showing signs of swelling due to water retention I took the pills.

And so yesterday I made my way to WW. I got there, shed my sweater and shoes and stepped up onto the scale. I tried not to look at Adrienne while she recorded my weight and then looked at me with delight in her eyes and said...."You're down 5.8!" I swear angels were singing!

So I managed to get the 4 pounds off as well as another 1.8. Success! I am happy this weekend.

Is today my lucky day?

2009-11-13T08:29:00.004-06:00

I've had enough 'bad luck' in the last month that I'm hoping that the Unlucky Finger of Friday the 13th is not pointing at me today.

I weigh in today at 11:15. On weigh in days I don't eat until after I am done at the meeting. I'm usually STARVING by then but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for every stinking ounce!

I got on the scale this morning...like I do most mornings. I've been back on my water pill this week. Why must my body work against me so? I don't get it. I just wanna say to my brain, my stomach, virtually every part of me..."WORK WITH ME WILL YA?!"

Anyway...I weigh naked, as unsightly a picture as it is. I have my back to the mirror so I don't have to actually witness my own nakedness too often. I got on the scale this morning and compared to what I weighed at home last week it is 7 pounds less.

Now...I'm not going to get my hopes up for weighing in at WW on their scale with my clothes on. I know I've lost. I can feel it. The question is how much. We soon shall see.

I've always liked the number 13...after all it's the day of my birth...we'll see if it's lucky or not.

Two weeks and 4 pounds

2009-11-07T21:32:00.002-06:00

I have to laugh at this picture because I posted it and then realized that it's a man in a woman's shirt! BAH! And I thought I was pathetic!

I almost cried at Weight Watchers on Friday. I knew I hadn't lost weight but I was totally unprepared to find out that I'd gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks!

While I was gone I did not journal or keep track of my food AT ALL. When someone dies they bring in food and tons of it. I didn't really think I'd gone crazy but I guess the 4 slices of pecan pie, the cookies and the delicious home made dinners that were brought in just went straight to my hips.

Since I've been back I've noticed that my feet and hands are also swelling like crazy. We were out today walking and visiting some shops and my hands got so swollen that I thought my rings would cut off the circulation! Time to drink more, flush this out of my system and get back onto my water pill. Maybe that will help as well.

I was so depressed after weighing in that I went to Target to look for one of my favorite things at Christmas time....peppermint Tootsie-Rolls. They didn't have any so I bought a bag of Halloween peanut M&M's which were on sale. I managed to eat the ENTIRE bag throughout the day. Do you know how many points that is????!!! 41.5 points!!! How sick is that?

How much sense does it make to gain 4 pounds and drown your sorrow in a bag of M&M's? It makes no sense. Why do I do this? I don't know. I'm trying to figure out my brain and my relationship with food. This is a process.

Today I did much better. I tracked my points and went for a good walk. I gotta get off the 4 pounds and wrap my brain around the need to lose weight.

Sheesh!!!

2009-11-05T08:18:00.003-06:00

After 6 days away I'm finally home. The scale is and isn't my friend. Honestly I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost either!

I will weigh in tomorrow and I missed last Friday's weigh in. It's likely that I haven't lost anything since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago. Sheesh! I need to get my brain back in gear. So much for a better week!

Leavin' on a jet plane

2009-10-29T19:01:00.003-05:00

So I'm going to visit a very hot state for a sad reason but I'm secretly happy that I won't be weighing in tomorrow at WW.

Not only has this been a crappy food week for me...poor choices all around as well as not tracking AT ALL...but thanks to mother nature I'm also experiencing feminine issues. So, next Friday will be a weigh in and a better week.

At least I don't have to stand in front of someone who will lean in slightly over the desk and whisper, "You're up a bit."

Next week I'm pulling out all the stops!

Just for the record....

2009-10-27T09:26:00.003-05:00

I should not have done this family activity last night....

They're too delicious and I should have sent them all to school with my child.

Sticking with the Fairy Tale Theme

2009-10-23T15:49:00.005-05:00

Actually it's an Aesop's Fable.

Apparently slow and steady wins the race. I have had to keep repeating that to myself this afternoon.

Today I got on the scale and showed a 1.2 lb loss. I swear it would have been a little more but instead of my light summer Capri pants and summer blouse, I wore sweat pants and a short sleeved shirt. I did take off my socks...pathetic...they weigh what... an ounce? But every stinkin' ounce counts people!!!

Isn't that something skinny people just don't think about? Their brains are totally different when it comes to the scale. I'm standing there in the reception area of Weight Watchers taking off my jacket, my shoes and then my socks. If I could have taken off my bra and thought I'd get another ounce off I might have done that if it wouldn't have been so totally awkward for the rest of the people standing there.

Maybe they need to have a little room where you could actually take off all your clothes and weigh naked like I do in the morning. Oh and when I weigh, I have to make sure that I haven't had breakfast or even a drink of water, that I've used the restroom and emptied my bladder and if the planets align my bowels too. That's too much 411 for you isn't it? Sorry but I guess you don't have to read this blog to begin with so...

Anyway...honestly I was a little disappointed. Earlier in the year I was seeing losses of 4 pounds, 6 pounds, 3 pounds per week. It helped me stay more motivated. But then I was working and I wasn't home with all the food surrounding me.

I still need to make better food choices. I am a total carbaholic...I love breads, cookies, granola bars, stuff like that. Even the Weight Watcher stuff that I've gotten is mostly sweet. So even though I'm only having a 1 point caramel and chocolate bar it's still not the best choice. I think maybe this week I'll make my food like I did when I was working. Pack a lunch and put it in the refrigerator.

I got some B-12 today at Target. I hear it helps your metabolism. Anything to help at this point.

Next week's goals...
1. Do better at tracking my food.
2. Make better choices on filling foods like fruits and vegetables.
3. Meet Richard Simmons in my living room at least 4 times during the week.
4. Drink all the water I can stand.

Onward and downward, I would have said onward and upward but that's not really my goal!

I hope to see less of me next week!

This will sound pathetic...and it just might be.

2009-10-22T08:24:00.004-05:00

Yesterday on the local morning show I caught a glimpse of Janis Ian. I wouldn't have remembered the name but I totally remembered the song when they played part of it to introduce her.

AT SEVENTEEN (click here to find a link on playlist.com to hear the song)
(Janis Ian)

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say – come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said – Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly

Remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game, and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
that call and say – Come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen

I was 11 when the song was released and I remember hearing it on the radio when I was in high school and I will admit that I felt much like the girl in the song then.

When I was in elementary school on Valentines Day you would bring Valentines for the people you wanted to bring them for. You didn't have to bring one for EVERYONE like you do now. I remember girls and boys getting tons and tons of them and I would get maybe one or two. I always hated Valentines day because of that.

When we played dodge ball or any other sport I was ALWAYS picked last. I knew that I'd get picked last but as a kid I'd stand there waving my arm yelling 'pick me pick me'. It never happened. It sucked being the last kid picked.

In high school I never had a date, never had a boyfriend, never went to prom (even though I was on the Jr/Sr Prom committee). Instead there were "reject" parties for those who had no dates. How pathetic!

I wondered if this song was written about me!

My best friend in high school was a cheerleader. She was about 5' 4" and small and I think she wore as size 7 shoe. I was 5'7" and wore a size 10 shoe and not small. I compared myself to her and to all of the other very tiny girls in our high school. I wasn't a shy person and I thought of myself as fun and fun to be around.

I was in Pep Club, I won the senior class vote for Best Actress, I had friends, I had the respect of my teachers and peers. However inside I never quite felt like I was as good as my other girlfriends who were thin. They could shop in the old store called 5,7,9...I always wished I could shop there but not even my feet were small enough to shop there!

It's too bad that during my youth I didn't understand how kids can be or how much our self image is distorted when we have no real perspective in life.

Now here I am, 45 and struggling to lose weight...AGAIN.

I re-read the story of the Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen today. Here is the link...

The Ugly Duckling

I relate to this little "duck"... "And so they made themselves comfortable; but the poor duckling, who had crept out of his shell last of all, and looked so ugly, was bitten and pushed and made fun of, not only by the ducks, but by all the poultry. “He is too big,” they all said,..."

In the end the Ugly Duckling is determined to let the majestic swans kill him to put him out of his misery. He stands near the waters edge and says, “I will fly to those royal birds,” he exclaimed, “and they will kill me, because I am so ugly, and dare to approach them; but it does not matter: better be killed by them than pecked by the ducks, beaten by the hens, pushed about by the maiden who feeds the poultry, or starved with hunger in the winter.”

But here is what happens...

Then he flew to the water, and swam towards the beautiful swans. The moment they espied the stranger, they rushed to meet him with outstretched wings.

Kill me,” said the poor bird; and he bent his head down to the surface of the water, and awaited death.

But what did he see in the clear stream below? His own image; no longer a dark, gray bird, ugly and disagreeable to look at, but a graceful and beautiful swan. ...He now felt glad at having suffered sorrow and trouble, because it enabled him to enjoy so much better all the pleasure and happiness around him; for the great swans swam round the new-comer, and stroked his neck with their beaks, as a welcome.

I hope to take a lesson from the Ugly Duckling...I need to enjoy the pleasure and happiness around me. I need to understand the potential that is in me to become what I hope to be.

Baby Steps

2009-10-19T22:09:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went for a 30 minute walk with my husband while our son rode his bike. It was crisp and cool and refreshing. I could feel the "burn" in my legs.

Then after my son was in bed we laid in our own bed to watch some TV. The worst channel for a person on a diet to watch is the Food Network...tonight it was Diners Drive-In's and Dives. It makes me salivate just to watch the food being cooked.

Weekends

2009-10-19T08:33:00.002-05:00

They're so hard for me food wise! They're just less structured and we have a tendency to go and do stuff! I haven't really thought about food over the weekend other than to think..."maybe you shouldn't eat that" but I did anyway!

Today...back on plan!

Progress: the act of moving forward (as toward a goal)

2009-10-16T16:34:00.004-05:00

Today I weighed in at Weight Watchers. I lost 4/10's of a pound. Not even half a pound. Just .4!

I had to remind myself that although I didn't drop the number I hoped for that I am making progress with each little mole hill climbed. I'm sure that the extra pieces of bread dipped in dipping oils this week didn't help, nor did my trip to the "Autumn Butters" class I went to last night.

So my total weight loss for 4 weeks is 6 pounds. Onward and upward and I'm sure I need to do more sweating and less nibbling.

Tomorrow

2009-10-15T22:07:00.003-05:00

I'm hoping I can lose another pound in my sleep tonight. I just don't know how good a week this has been as far as weight loss. I have to keep in mind that it's not just about the numbers moving. It's about being healthier and more fit.

Sweatin' to the Oldies

2009-10-15T12:38:00.003-05:00

I just finished doing my first workout with Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies video. It's not my very first workout to the video EVER...just this time around trying to lose weight.

Initially I started doing the workouts back in 1995. I had seen him a long time before that on General Hospital and as quirky as he is I liked his personality.

Anyway...I was going to workout yesterday but the VHS tape that I had from "way back when" has disappeared but luckily my daughter has the 20th Anniversary DVD and she gave it to me last night.

As I moved to the familiar routines my mind flooded with thoughts. I remembered how I LOVED my Social Dance class in college, how I'd rather do this than walk on a treadmill. I thought of how the last time I really did the workouts I had a mirror in front of me. It wasn't a pretty sight seeing all of this flesh moving around to music but I will NEVER forget the one time I looked in the mirror and could actually see that my body was changing! It was glorious. It reminded me that I need to jot down my measurements so that on weeks that I might not lose I might at least see progress in my body shape.

Over the years I've tried lots of different things, Jazzercize, Zumba, gym memberships and truth be told I'd rather be at the YMCA but it's too far from where I currently live. So today I'm exercising in my living room with the blinds closed. No one should have to look in here and see this even by accident!

Today I made myself laugh out loud during the routine as I reached and danced and felt muscles that I haven't felt for a while. Remember the movie "Ruthless People" with Bette Midler, Danny DeVito, Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater? (1986)

I thought of Bette Midler's character, Barbara Stone, being chained to a bed and exercising by herself in the basement where she is being held for ransom. I'm not a prisoner in my house but I kind of felt like her for a brief moment!

I've actually met Richard Simmons. I met him back in 2002 when I joined "Get Healthy Pensacola". He came to the Bay Front Auditorium (which is gone) and did a giant class. My boss, who was and still is VERY thin, and her mother in law came with me. I was determined to be on the stage and exercise with him! And we did!!! Afterwards, I got to meet him personally. I found him to be a kind and genuine man.

So...thanks Richard for the workout and thanks Bette for making me laugh at myself.

Does anyone else do this?

2009-10-15T07:46:00.002-05:00

I want to weigh myself this morning but not before I've eaten and after I've used the restroom. Every ounce counts right?

Dinner

2009-10-14T16:58:00.005-05:00

I recovered from not eating lunch earlier in the day and did make myself sit at 2:00 and eat a salad and a lean cuisine BBQ Chicken Pizza! It was fabulous!

Tonight for dinner I made my Award Winning Turkey Chili, each serving has about 4 WW points so I'm still ok. I can even add some toppings if I want.

Here is the recipe.

1 to 1 1/4 pounds ground turkey
1 can (16 oz) kidney or pinto beans, undrained
1 can (16 oz) stewed tomatoes
1 can (6 oz) tomato paste
2 Tablespoons each...chili powder and dried onion
1/2 teaspoon each...garlic powder, oregano, cumin, paprika, black pepper and salt.

Spray large saucepan or Dutch oven with non-stick cooking spray. Heat over medium high about 30 seconds.

Crumble ground turkey into saucepan. Cook and stir 3 to 5 minutes or until lightly browned.

Add remaining ingredients plus 1 1/2 to 2 Cups water, stir thoroughly. Cook on medium-high heat *15-30 minutes.

Top with sour cream, shredded cheese, green chilis, onions, black olives if desired.

Oh PS...I really did win a prize for this at a chili cook off! It's not really very spicy but you can add more spice if you like.

I estimated that this recipe makes 6 servings which would calculate into 4 Weight Watchers points per serving as long as you omit the toppings.

**I also double the amount of beans because I like beans.
*I typically cook mine for at least an hour on LOW so that the flavors really mix together.

After dinner I will still have 7 points left for the day but I probably won't use them since I ate like a fiend over the weekend without tracking my points!

Lunch

2009-10-14T13:57:00.003-05:00

Why do I have the hardest time actually sitting down for lunch? It's almost 2 and now I'm past the point of hungry. Why do I do this to myself? I want to graze but I only want to graze on bad stuff.

I did exercise today so that's a plus.

I'm sorry but I just can't relate to you Valerie Bertinelli

2009-10-14T12:19:00.005-05:00

Ok...I'm not trying to diminish any one's weight loss here so let's just get that straight. She was on Good Morning America this morning and part 2 is on tomorrow so she's on my mind today.

Here are the statistics for Valerie. She is 5'2" tall, well really 5'2" short. Her starting weight before Jenny Craig was 172. First of all, I'm jealous that she has a "1" in the beginning of her weight. Her BMI was 31.5 prior to the weight loss, obese according to the BMI chart.

What I see in the above picture on the right is a voluptuous woman. She's curvy yes and I'm sure she doesn't have washboard abs but she's still gorgeous and sexy.

Although she did lose weight and was obese according to the BMI charts, I still think that's a crock to call her obese, her issues are different from a person of my size.

First of all...I think she could still have shopped for clothes at a normal size clothing store. She didn't have to go to Harry's Hefty Hideaway for her clothing. My guess is that she probably never wore anything more than a size 18. That may be large for a small person I understand that. But until you've gone into the size 22/24 range or heaven forbid the 26/28 range you DON'T know what it means to not find clothes! And there are larger sized women out there people! Their choices are even more limited!

I blogged about this once before on my private blog but for those who have not had the privilege of seeing that let me re-address the issue minus the photos.

It's a HUGE beef, ok probably a poor description for a person on a diet, of mine that a plus sized woman has such difficulty finding clothes that actually fit. That's one of my main motivations for trying to lose weight.

I'll accept having to wear a size 16 or 18 or even a 20 because you can actually purchase those sizes in regular stores. You don't have to search high and low for the TWO racks of plus sized clothes in stores like that. AND you don't have to purchase clothes from places called "More to Love"! That's a real place!

Have you ever looked around in Target? Do you see ALL the clothes for normal sized women in there? I mean seriously it's like half the store. Then there are MAYBE 4 racks of clothes in the "Women's" section. The clothes that they do have there are just larger sizes in the styles that they offer for the regular sized woman.

There are a couple of problems with that. I don't really WANT to look pregnant or fatter because the style for the time being is empire waisted shirts, I don't WANT to show off my fat arms with cap sleeves and I really don't WANT a banded shirt at the bottom to hug around the fattest part of my body. I wonder if Mossimo has ever tried his clothes on a person who was over a size 14, had more flesh around their middle than he has on his entire body or whose arms are the size of small toddlers!

Please everyone...size 14 is not plus sized! A size 14 person does not have the same issues as a person who wears a size 22/24!!!! Get a grip! Try your stuff on me! I'll come in and you can try and figure out how to fit your clothes on a real Plus Size Woman!

Ok...I just had to get that off my chest.

I'm happy for you Valerie but really, did it kill you that much to wear a fattie size 16 or 18? Are you feeling THAT much better wearing a size 2/4??? You're like the size of my thigh!

I'm sure you are feeling great and like you've climbed Everest but I just can't relate to you...on so many levels other than the weight loss.

I want to see Jenny Craig take someone really large and show them off as their poster child for weight loss. Heck, I'd even volunteer!

Congratulations Valerie. Now I'm going to go and join Richard Simmons in my living room to Sweat to the Oldies!

Before and After

2009-10-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

One thing you realize when you're overweight is that if you allow anyone to take a "full body" shot of you, you're going to regret it. They don't even really warn you that you need to straighten up, turn this way or that or suck it in a little. It would be rude actually so you pretty much insist that people photograph you from the shoulder up!

This is as close to a before picture as you're gonna get. I'm sure I'm sucking it in by the way. This is earlier this year before we went to the Billy Joel/Elton John Concert. I'd lost about 10 pounds by then. The great pattern on the shirt hides MANY flaws!

And this....THIS is what I would love to be someday! It will take A LOT of weight loss and several surgeries so I doubt that I'll be this....but if I ever do...I'm getting a dress just like that and having my picture taken!

Genesis of This Blog

2009-10-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

I'm a 45 year old woman on a quest to lose weight and become a thinner, healthier version of who I am now.

I'm basically satisfied with who I am as a person. I have other areas to improve on for sure but for now this blog is about my struggle to become thin, well...honestly, just less heavy.

The reality in my brain right now is that I will never be thin. Thin was me when I left for college at a size 10. The thinnest I've ever been. For now I'd just be happy for my weight to start with a "1"!!

Not even my husband knows exactly how much I weigh. Honestly, I don't think he'd really care what the number is. He's a good guy. He has never made my weight an issue in our marriage, never been embarrassed to be seen with the fattest girl at the party, never suggested a diet, purchased a diet aide for me or anything like that. It's been a non-issue. Bless his soul!

So why the title..."Wake Me Up When I'm Thin"? I often say that I feel like I went to bed thin one night and then woke up in this alien body. I got pregnant 4 months after getting married and I was a healthy, fit 170 pounds when I married. (I'm 5'7" tall and have a large frame. Although some might say that my 170 pounds was overweight...now 27 years later...I'm thinking it's pretty svelt!) Over the next 9 months I don't think I realized what was really happening to me to my body.

The reality didn't hit me until 2 days after I gave birth, traumatically by c-section at the age of 21, when I stood up for the first time and looked in the mirror. My stomach, which had never been a flat six-pack type belly, had basically turned into a flap hammock! I probably could have used it as a baby sling like women carry their babies in now over their shoulder. I probably could have even pulled it up that far. Stretch marks? Oh baby...you could draw the entire U.S. Highway system on my stomach. You wanna know the best route to get from Florida to Washington state...step over here and I'll show you!

Three more full term pregnancies and too many other stresses and calories to count and I'm now the "me" I've become.

So the title comes because in my heart of hearts if I could go to sleep fat and wake up thin that would be the greatest miracle since the parting of the Red Sea. Since that's not likely to happen and since I've got to make an effort...bleh to that...I have decided to blog. I am hoping that it helps me and perhaps maybe another person.

I'm sure there will be good days and bad days as I struggle through this journey. It will be a struggle...I love food. When I hear people talk about managing your hunger I think to myself..."no one could possibly be THIS hungry!"

My course of action...Weight Watchers and exercise.

So far today's been a good day. I've likely eaten all of my flex points since I weighed in last Friday but I'm determined to keep it under control for the rest of the week. Wish me luck.