Ya Gotta Want It

My son in law is a baseball player. In fact every one of the boys in his family played baseball at some point in their lives. It was so important to them that they have their own batting cage, pitching machine, and space dedicated in their yard to practicing baseball. My son in law played for his high school and college and one of his brothers even did a stint in the minor leagues. I don't know that I will ever understand the desire to practice a sport like that let alone to the point where you could do it semi-professionally.

Hanging on the wall of their barn near the batting cage is a sign that reads, "Ya Gotta Want It". Which brings me to my post today.

I haven't blogged about my "weight loss" in a while because in fact I've been doing quite the opposite. I've gained back all but 5 pounds of my last weight loss attempt. I really think I have an addiction to food. I mean before I even see it or smell it I can think about it and have such an overwhelming desire come over me to go and get a particular thing. Usually for me it's something sweet. I crave sugar. I also love bread. And salty things. And crunchy things. And and and....you get my drift.

Anyway...when I started the blog I called it "Wake Me Up When I'm Thin" because I honestly feel like I went to bed thin and woke up fat. My first pregnancy did my body in. I've had the hardest struggle trying to get thin when what I really just wanted was to "be" thin. The difference between "be" and "do". I haven't really wanted to "do" what it takes to "be" thinner long enough to really make a difference. I'm like Veruca Salt. Remember her from the movie, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? She is the one who uttered those famous words, "I want it now!"

So here's my deal. I am trying to figure out how to engage my brain. I need to figure out how to "want" it. I need to figure out how to have the desire to lose weight more than the desire for food. If you have any suggestions I'm totally open to that. I might consider having my jaw broken on purpose! (just kidding...simmer down)

Because until I really "want" IT  (to lose weight) I won't be able to "do" IT (eat right and exercise) to "be" IT (thin-er, healthier, happier etc.)!

Downward Spiral

Weeks ago I was "determined" to lose 10 pounds before my 47th birthday. Ummm...didn't happen. And why didn't it happen?

I've been on a downward spiral...and not with my weight. My brain is in a downward spiral. I'm not depressed...quite the opposite. I almost feel euphoric yet I seem to have trouble getting control over this area of my life.

I was thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous but my husband does not think it's a good idea. I'm sure he's in denial about my issues. He thinks that because I don't binge and purge that I'm not  O.A. material. I've not given up the idea about doing it though.

My "determination" was only a wish. I never did anything to act on the actual idea. I can't even really call it a goal. If it had been a goal I wouldn't have filled my house with cookies, chips, ice cream and other trigger foods. If I had a house full of onions I would've probably lost 50 pounds in a month! If it had been a real goal I would have tracked everything I ate. I would have gotten on the ball when I saw the pounds rising on the scale.

I've gained like 8 pounds since November. It's easy to do. Maybe I should go work in a high school for the "light weight" wrestler guys who have to gain weight. I KNOW how to do that. I also KNOW how to lose weight and for the life of me I don't know what it is going to take to get my brain to engage with my heart.

In my heart of hearts I really want to lose weight. I just can't get my brain and my heart in sync. Pretty soon my heart is going to burst out of my chest because there won't be room in there for it so I better figure this out soon.

I'm contemplating lap band surgery again. This time my insurance covers it so I am giving it a lot of consideration.

Valentine's Day doesn't love me

I've already eaten enough chocolate that I should dive into a diabetic coma at any second! I haven't eaten anything else so does that help? Oi!!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative


Today I looked at this blog and saw that I had a "goal" to lose 10 pounds by my 47th birthday but instead of losing I've gained 4.5 pounds since November 30th. What am I thinking? Oh yeah....I'm not thinking about losing weight at all....and THAT is the problem!

Yesterday I watched Jennifer Hudson on Oprah. That girl has lost 80 pounds! If I could do that I would not be in a size 6 like she is but I would be a much happier person. I would be wearing a size 12 and I'm serious when I say that I'd be happy to wear a size 16 so a 12 would be awesome.

So today it's back to life, back to reality, back from the fantasy. I actually logged into WW today and tracked my breakfast before I even ate it. It kept me focused on what I should really eat this morning.

I can do this. I'm still considering joining Overeaters Anonymous and also having a lap band procedure. I have to check with my doctor as I have some other health issues going on but if my insurance will cover it and if my body can really handle it then I think I want to do it.

I know someone who had that or gastric bypass but didn't tell anyone. Weird huh? But they're not very open about their lives to begin with. Oh they like to know the dirt in everyone else's life but they don't want to share their own dirt!!! Anyway...the person was thin in their younger years and then gained a lot of weight, tried to get it off and then one day started to lose weight. There was exercising involved and not as many calories taken in but when you watched them you just knew that it wasn't because they'd chosen to lose weight but because they couldn't eat more than a few bites at a time.

I wondered why they wouldn't want to share their surgery but never questioned them about it. Even to this day, many years later they don't "fess up" about the surgery. They must feel like it's a weakness or something to have stooped to surgery but I say, "More power to ya" for taking control in whatever way you had to! And I know it must be awesome to wear "normal" sizes again.

Anyway...here we go again.

I'm A Thinker

My parents had a replica of Rodin's "Thinker" sculpture in their house when I was a kid. My dad made some alterations to it with "Liquid Paper" and gave him some underwear. I always thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway...I'm a thinker. I tend to have common sense when it comes to lots of things. However, I do not appear to have ANY common sense at all when it comes to food. I think about the food and I think about not eating it and sometimes I even push the thoughts out of my mind and move on to other things but most of the time when I think about food I find something to eat. It's a real problem.

As I've thought about addictions I've wondered if having an addiction to food could be treated the way an alcoholic is treated for their addiction or a drug addict is treated for their addiction. Granted, you don't HAVE to have alcohol or drugs to survive. You do HAVE to eat however! So having an addiction to food is BAD because you can't just say..."I will not eat today." and live a healthy life.

I had lunch today with someone who made me think about joining Overeaters Anonymous. I'm thinking about it. I am addicted to food. The way it tastes, smells, feels in my mouth, crunches, the saltiness, the sweetness, the chocolatey yummy goodness. I love it all. I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, bored, satisfied, with friends, alone...pretty much any time.

Other than falling off the back of a pick up truck and having my jaw wired shut (I know a girl that this happened to and she got very thin very quickly) I think that Overeaters Anonymous may be something that might help me.

I've done Weight Watchers and know what to eat but I need to deal with the mental issues of why, how, where, what I eat. So...I'm thinking...

Let's Get Real

I haven't weighed in at Weight Watchers for about 6 weeks. I have been stepping on the scale at home and I haven't lost one single pound. In fact, I've gained a couple but have managed to get them off and I am back to where I was when I weighed in all those weeks ago. I NEED to go back to WW!

I also haven't tracked one bless-ed thing that I've put in my mouth. As I blog I have a bag of spice drops in front of me. How many points can they be? I don't even want to know. I think I'll be weighing in either tomorrow or Wednesday...I have a weird schedule this week thanks to a college daughter that will need a ride to work both days.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight. I want to. I'm wondering if I don't want it bad enough?! How can that be? I really want to buy beautiful clothes and feel better about myself. It's a new year and it can be a new me...right?! Ok...let's get real. I'm going back!

I have a goal to lose 10 pounds by Feb 15...that's 2 days after my 47th birthday. Here we go....

Sometimes it's good when nothing changes

Let me just say...last week was not good in the weight loss category of my life. I did not track ONE single item of food I ate. I don't think I ever opened up E-tools on the Weight Watcher website other than to record my weight.

I had a lot going on and just didn't want to face the music. When I knew I had partaken of too many chips or other little goodies, I just attempted to eat a light dinner. Honestly I had no delusions that I would see any loss this week and I fully expected to see a higher number today.

Typically, I go to the meeting at noon but I needed to get some things done and went to an earlier meeting instead. It was PACKED! There we were, a room full of fatties, used to be fatties and semi-fatties. I didn't even have to go into the meeting room to know it was full. While I was checking in I could hear all of the voices and sensed a packed house.

I checked in and hopped (well..seriously what fat person hops?...Ok I stepped gingerly on the scale...maybe gingerly isn't a good description either. Thin people can step gingerly) I stepped onto the scale wishing with all my might that I had lost weight.

In our Weight Watchers office they put the digital read out thing right there on the counter so that you can see it. I NEVER look over at anyone else's weight. It's like a secret Weight Watcher's code that you never look over at another person while they're standing on the scale. It would be like continuing to watch a person you had caught picking their nose. It would be an embarrassment to both of you if they caught you staring so you just keep your head facing your own read out.

Anyway...I could see the number and it was the SAME as last week! Whew! So I stepped off the scale and put my shoes on. Then the gal said, "Oh darn, can you step back up there." It was as if I hoped the number would have gone down another pound or two during those 30 seconds but alas, when I got back on the scale the number was still the same. So she made note of it and then started to hand me my book.

Her: "Congratulations...you reached 20 pounds lost!"
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Yes, look."
Me: "Oh, I'm pretty sure you wrote that last number wrong, I believe it's a 7 and not a 1."
Her: "Well, I don't think so but step on the scale again."

At this point the other lady working there looked up and said, "Are you making a career out of it over there?"

"Yeah right...I love the scale!"...thoughts in my mind...for once my filter kicked in and I didn't say what I was thinking!.

So of course I was right but for a brief second I hoped.

Me: "I knew it couldn't be right because I never tracked one single thing and I just knew that it would take an act of God for that scale to have shown a loss."

I am happy to have stayed the same. If there is one thing I learned this week it's that you can't possibly keep track of all you're eating if you don't write it down. I also learned that when I eat junk I have to remember that I have less real food to eat and I don't feel as good.

Here's to a better week, tracking and all.