Saturday, March 5, 2011

Downward Spiral

Weeks ago I was "determined" to lose 10 pounds before my 47th birthday. Ummm...didn't happen. And why didn't it happen?

I've been on a downward spiral...and not with my weight. My brain is in a downward spiral. I'm not depressed...quite the opposite. I almost feel euphoric yet I seem to have trouble getting control over this area of my life.

I was thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous but my husband does not think it's a good idea. I'm sure he's in denial about my issues. He thinks that because I don't binge and purge that I'm not  O.A. material. I've not given up the idea about doing it though.

My "determination" was only a wish. I never did anything to act on the actual idea. I can't even really call it a goal. If it had been a goal I wouldn't have filled my house with cookies, chips, ice cream and other trigger foods. If I had a house full of onions I would've probably lost 50 pounds in a month! If it had been a real goal I would have tracked everything I ate. I would have gotten on the ball when I saw the pounds rising on the scale.

I've gained like 8 pounds since November. It's easy to do. Maybe I should go work in a high school for the "light weight" wrestler guys who have to gain weight. I KNOW how to do that. I also KNOW how to lose weight and for the life of me I don't know what it is going to take to get my brain to engage with my heart.

In my heart of hearts I really want to lose weight. I just can't get my brain and my heart in sync. Pretty soon my heart is going to burst out of my chest because there won't be room in there for it so I better figure this out soon.

I'm contemplating lap band surgery again. This time my insurance covers it so I am giving it a lot of consideration.