Do you ever feel like you want to channel Alex from Fatal Attraction?

For the first time in my life I went to meet with a psychiatrist yesterday. My insurance company requires a psychiatric evaluation and a personality test before you can be approved for bariatric surgery. I think that it's a pretty standard requirement for many insurance companies. Honestly, I think the only reason they want you to do the evaluation is to prove you're not Alex from Fatal Attraction! I mean the questions on the thing seemed to be trying to determine whether or not you had tendencies at being psychotic, not really anything to do with your brain/food relationship. Now THAT would be worth knowing about from a person about to have 85% of their stomach cut off!

The test was called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory 2. Here is what the test is looking for and the number of questions for each illness. I don't know how many questions were on the test because my doctor had me stop after the first 370 questions.

1	Hs	Hypochondriasis	Concern with bodily symptoms	32
2	D	Depression	Depressive Symptoms	57
3	Hy	Hysteria	Awareness of problems and vulnerabilities	60
4	Pd	Psychopathic Deviate	Conflict, struggle, anger, respect for society's rules	50
5	MF	Masculinity/Femininity	Stereotypical masculine or feminine interests/behaviors	56
6	Pa	Paranoia	Level of trust, suspiciousness, sensitivity	40
7	Pt	Psychasthenia	Worry, Anxiety, tension, doubts, obsessiveness	48
8	Sc	Schizophrenia	Odd thinking and social alienation	78
9	Ma	Hypomania	Level of excitability	46
0	Si	Social Introversion	People orientation	69

The questions/statements were all true or false and some of the ones that I remember are:

I enjoy seeing animals suffer.
I see people who others do not see.
I have voices telling me what to do.
My father/mother was/is a good person.
I love my father/mother.
I have been in love.
I have taken risks that have gotten me into trouble.
I have been in jail.
I take drugs.
I think people are after me. (there seemed to be a lot of those questions)
Most people lie to get their way.

This site has the test on it and will score it for you. I haven't done it online but I think I might just take it again later today to see what it says! Click HERE

And seriously there were 370 questions like that. Either I will be a psychopath or I'm the most "normal" person he's ever met.

I was a little nervous and found myself being careful not to sit with my legs crossed at the ankles, my arms folded and all the other body language signals that say, "I'm a crazy freak." And if you are a crazy freak I am in no way condemning you. I think we're all a little crazy and freakish at times actually!

It is a little daunting to think you will sit down with someone who makes their living at delving into your psyche. Anyway...come Monday we will see if I "pass"!

Learning to Eat

The moment we're born we have the innate understanding that we need to eat. If you've ever seen a newborn who is offered the breast or a bottle, you've seen first hand that this instinct is indeed a fact. At some point babies go from eating what they need to eating what they want, like, don't like etc. And at that point in our lives some of us start on the roller coaster of dieting.

I've said before that overweight people are not overweight because they are hungry. How can anyone possibly be THAT hungry? People overeat for a variety of reasons. I for one love the taste and texture of food. I love the crunch, the sweet, the salty. I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, with friends...in other words I love food.

In my lifetime I've tried to lose weight more times than I can count. If only I'd kept off the weight I'd lost over time I'd be invisible by now! After 26 years of being very overweight I am ready to have bariatric surgery. Part of my responsibility to prepare for surgery is to see a registered dietitian so that I can come to understand what life will be like after surgery and to start preparing my mind and body now.

Today I went to the first of 3 classes with Lauren, my doctor's dietitian. Today we learned about some of the things that will have to change after the surgery. I think one of the biggest things is that I will not be able to drink along with a meal. Think about it...most of us have a drink when we sit down to a meal. Take a bite, drink a sip, take 2 bites, take a longer drink. I am also on the quest to stop drinking carbonated beverages which for mean means Diet Coke. Carbonated beverages can actually stretch your stomach and after having this surgery that is the last thing I want to do. I wonder if I can let it sit out and go flat? I'll have to ask about that. I also found out that caffeine is also not good for people who have had bariatric surgery because of the malabsorption problems that patients will develop due to the nature of the surgery.

I have done Weight Watchers so many times that I do know what I SHOULD be eating. I know about portions, and water and protien and carbs and vegetables and fruit. I'm feeling ready to do this for real. I understand that the surgery is a tool to help me and not a solution to my problems. Life after surgery is going to take some adjustment. There will be liquid diets about a week before the surgery and then for about 2 weeks after that to give the wound time to heal.

I have been asked by my doctor to lose 15 pounds before my surgery which will likely take place in late September or early October. So...today after my class I went grocery shopping. Protein shakes, fruit and healthy food fill my cupboards. Here we go.

If you want what you do not have, you must do what you have not done.

I finally did it!! I went for my consultation with a bariatric surgeon today! I went to a seminar on June 1 and made an appointment then.

Originally I thought I would want to have lap band surgery. After reading some things, talking to some people and doing some research I decided that the band wasn't going to be for me. I don't want to continue going to the doctor for the rest of my life to have the band filled and I also don't want to end up needing surgery at a later date to remove it and possibly have an RNY or a gastric sleeve done any way. Your stomach can only be squeezed so much before the tissue becomes damaged. It doesn't seem like a life long solution to me.

Also, I love sweets and the band is not as effective for people like me. I decided with the help of the surgeon to go with the gastric sleeve. In the event that I ever had to deal with my autoimmune problem in the future it would be necessary for me to be able to swallow pills and that would be very difficult if I had a pouch like in a gastric bypass. There are also less malabsorption issues with the sleeve than with the bypass.

So....my insurance requires 3 months of meeting with a dietician, a meeting with a psychiatrist and letters stating that I have been treated for weight loss before. The doctor wants me to lose 10-15 pounds prior to surgery and I also have to go for some test to prove that I don't smoke. I don't smoke at all but they have to make sure you don't smoke for at least 30 days prior to or after the surgery. Anyway... in 10 days from now I will get a letter from the doctor's office and will then be able to move forward with all of the requirements. At that time I'll also be able to find out what my co-pays and out of pocket expenses will be.

I'm very excited that by September I will have this surgery and by Christmas I should be about 50 pounds lighter and much healthier. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. When the doctor asked me how long I had been overweight and I really had to think about it I came to the realization that for more than half my life I've dealt with being horribly overweight. I am heavier now than I have ever been.

Addicted to Love

I love sugar. I think that just like my hair is brown and my eyes are brown and my skin is olive because of my D.N.A.,  that my sugar addiction is written in there somewhere too. 

I cannot get enough sugar these days. I absolutely crave cookies, chocolate, candies, anything sweet...except for fruit. I only crave unholy sugar. In my heart I want to be good, but then my brain takes over. Sugar cereal, sugar snacks, sugar, sugar, sugar. It's disgusting I know. I can't even begin to imagine what my blood sugar is on a good day! I should check it out. It's usually not bad but I'm probably killing my pancreas. 

On any given day if I could I would do this:

Wednesday is the day I go to the Bariatric Center. I'm excited. Will having my stomach banded take away the addiction? Maybe I'll want to do better when I'm losing 6 pounds in a week? I can only hope.

And ....

In order to get an appointment I have to go to a seminar by the surgeon so I've scheduled it for June 1. I'm rather excited about it. I see the testimonials of people who have undergone the surgery and I get giddy thinking about the possibility of my own transformation.

Heaven knows that I'll either have to have surgery to get rid of all the skin or just tuck it into my underwear! Either way I'll be healthier and feel better about myself.

I have been tracking my food again on WW and am down 1.8 this week. It feels good but it's such a small dent in a very large (pardon the pun) problem.

In the meantime I'm following the blog of the friend of a friend. It's pretty funny and I relate because I always say I have two butts...one in the back and one in the front! You might enjoy this blog too....My Other Butt.

Ya Gotta Want It

My son in law is a baseball player. In fact every one of the boys in his family played baseball at some point in their lives. It was so important to them that they have their own batting cage, pitching machine, and space dedicated in their yard to practicing baseball. My son in law played for his high school and college and one of his brothers even did a stint in the minor leagues. I don't know that I will ever understand the desire to practice a sport like that let alone to the point where you could do it semi-professionally.

Hanging on the wall of their barn near the batting cage is a sign that reads, "Ya Gotta Want It". Which brings me to my post today.

I haven't blogged about my "weight loss" in a while because in fact I've been doing quite the opposite. I've gained back all but 5 pounds of my last weight loss attempt. I really think I have an addiction to food. I mean before I even see it or smell it I can think about it and have such an overwhelming desire come over me to go and get a particular thing. Usually for me it's something sweet. I crave sugar. I also love bread. And salty things. And crunchy things. And and and....you get my drift.

Anyway...when I started the blog I called it "Wake Me Up When I'm Thin" because I honestly feel like I went to bed thin and woke up fat. My first pregnancy did my body in. I've had the hardest struggle trying to get thin when what I really just wanted was to "be" thin. The difference between "be" and "do". I haven't really wanted to "do" what it takes to "be" thinner long enough to really make a difference. I'm like Veruca Salt. Remember her from the movie, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? She is the one who uttered those famous words, "I want it now!"

So here's my deal. I am trying to figure out how to engage my brain. I need to figure out how to "want" it. I need to figure out how to have the desire to lose weight more than the desire for food. If you have any suggestions I'm totally open to that. I might consider having my jaw broken on purpose! (just kidding...simmer down)

Because until I really "want" IT  (to lose weight) I won't be able to "do" IT (eat right and exercise) to "be" IT (thin-er, healthier, happier etc.)!

Downward Spiral

Weeks ago I was "determined" to lose 10 pounds before my 47th birthday. Ummm...didn't happen. And why didn't it happen?

I've been on a downward spiral...and not with my weight. My brain is in a downward spiral. I'm not depressed...quite the opposite. I almost feel euphoric yet I seem to have trouble getting control over this area of my life.

I was thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous but my husband does not think it's a good idea. I'm sure he's in denial about my issues. He thinks that because I don't binge and purge that I'm not  O.A. material. I've not given up the idea about doing it though.

My "determination" was only a wish. I never did anything to act on the actual idea. I can't even really call it a goal. If it had been a goal I wouldn't have filled my house with cookies, chips, ice cream and other trigger foods. If I had a house full of onions I would've probably lost 50 pounds in a month! If it had been a real goal I would have tracked everything I ate. I would have gotten on the ball when I saw the pounds rising on the scale.

I've gained like 8 pounds since November. It's easy to do. Maybe I should go work in a high school for the "light weight" wrestler guys who have to gain weight. I KNOW how to do that. I also KNOW how to lose weight and for the life of me I don't know what it is going to take to get my brain to engage with my heart.

In my heart of hearts I really want to lose weight. I just can't get my brain and my heart in sync. Pretty soon my heart is going to burst out of my chest because there won't be room in there for it so I better figure this out soon.

I'm contemplating lap band surgery again. This time my insurance covers it so I am giving it a lot of consideration.