Pics

Got on the scale this morning and I'm now down 26 pounds since my surgery and 38 pounds since my initial consultation in June. I'm feeling better and better and went to try clothes on in a store yesterday. I can now fit into a size 20 pair of jeans. I would say that in another 10 pounds I will look better in those jeans. I didn't purchase them because I have one pair of jeans that size that fit me and when they are too big I will HAVE to purchase another pair.

Here are some pics for comparison.

 This is me back in June with my granddaughter at the zoo.

 This is November 15. The night before surgery.

This is me December 17. One month and 1 day out from surgery. 

I still have a ways to go but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far.

There are cynics out there who will say that this is the "easy way out" but I have news for you...I've never done anything harder. It's an aid to my weight loss goals. I still have to watch what I eat...even more than I ever have. I have to exercise and keep track of what I am eating through out the day. The biggest difference is that I see a loss in weight most days that I step on the scale and it motivates me to keep going!

4 Weeks Post Op

Hard to believe that 4 weeks ago I had my surgery! I'm feeling back to normal physically and can pretty much do what I want. I need to start walking again if the weather would cooperate. It's probably time to join a gym since the weather here will only get worse over the next couple of months.

So...here are the latest stats...I got on the scale this morning and I am down 23.6 pounds since the surgery and 35.6 since my initial consultation in June. I've also lost a total of 17 inches off my body.

When I get dressed there are some clothes that appear larger to me than I remember them being. I'm sure that's because my body is getting smaller and my perspective is changing. It feels good to be able to fit into some things that I haven't worn for a while. In another 4 weeks I will have to purchase some new clothes. THAT will feel even better! I'm just trying to make due with what I have for the time being. Most all of my jeans are too big. I have one pair that fit and I'll wear those until they are falling off.

I finally went to the nutritionist yesterday for my 2 week follow up. She reminded me that I need to eat more protein. Protein helps you lose weight. I am supposed to eat 60 grams of protein a day. Yesterday I got it all in and got on the scale this morning to see a victory. It's wonderful.

So far I am able to tolerate most things. I had BBQ chicken for dinner last night but could only eat about 1/4 of a chicken breast. I also had steamed broccoli and carrots. A good dinner and filling. I am still dealing with issues about my head hunger and my sweet tooth. It helps when I can see the numbers on the scale going down. In another .4 pounds I'll be into the next lowest 10's! I haven't seen those numbers in a long time...since 2002.

Week 3.5

So I didn't blog last week but things have been going pretty well. I started into my "Week 4, 5, 6 Soft Food Diet". This part of the diet allows me all sugar free beverages except for carbonation, caffeine and alcohol. I don't drink alcohol so that's not a big deal for me. I've also not had caffeine in a long time so I don't feel a desire for a diet coke at all.  I'm also allowed to have skim milk, low fat cream soups, soups of any kind, cooked cereal, cream of wheat, thinned grits (NASTY) mashed potatoes, crispy toasted bread, low fat cottage cheese, canned chicken, tuna, shaved deli meats, ground beef, ground turkey, cooked canned or pureed vegetables, cooked canned or pureed unsweetened apple sauce and bananas.

I actually ate chili a week ago with beans in it...didn't bother me one single bit. I only ate about 6 bites of it and I was full. The next day I tried a scrambled egg again...UGH! NOT good. A lot of people on the VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) forum say that they can't eat bread but toast has not been a problem for me at all. The diet calls for no other fats other than margarine or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray but I hate eating margarine on bread and I'm not spraying some ick on my toast. So I have used real butter sparingly on my toast without any ill effects.

The weight loss has slowed down a bit. I've only lost another 2 pounds since my last visit. I NEED to get out and do some walking. It's been so cold out in the morning that I've dreaded it and gone back to sleep. I decided that I need to join a gym where I can walk on the treadmill and use some weights to strengthen my upper arms.

I will admit to eating a cookie here and there (and they're not even whole cookies...just a bite or two) and although it's not on the diet I have not really felt "guilty" about having ONE cookie. In times past I could sit and scarf down a box in no time at all! Having your stomach fill up so fast is a benefit and really makes you not want any more than just a taste most of the time. I have overdone it on food and it's not a good feeling.

Non scale victory today...wearing a blouse that I haven't worn in about 3 years and having it be a little big!

Also took measurements and am down a total of 17 inches! It will be time for new jeans soon. I can pull of all but one smaller pair that I've had for a while, without unzipping them. Even some of my shoes are feeling looser.

People are noticing my weight loss and even my husband says I feel smaller when he hugs me. Life is good.

All I want for Christmas is to be another size down! I think I can do it!

And In This Corner, Weighing In At......

.....Well honestly I'm not ready to say how much I weigh on this blog yet but someday I swear I will. It will make your jaw drop.

Here's some of what's been going on since my last post a week ago.

Wednesday, Nov 23, I had my one week follow up appointment with the doctor. I got some staples removed and of course weighed me. I was down 18 pounds in a week! It was wonderful! I pretty much felt like crap but the weight loss made it worth it. I was also down a total of 27 since June 10, when I had my initial consultation with the surgeon.

I was "promoted" to the next food level which allows me to add reduced fat creamed soups and drinkable yogurt to my food plan. Truth be told I really wanted a tuna fish sandwich!

Thursday, Nov. 24-Thanksgiving. I wasn't really worried about Thanksgiving because I felt like I could have some soup and maybe some runny mashed potatoes and feel fine. That's pretty much what I did. It did fill me up and I didn't feel like I was missing out on too much. I wasn't hungry in the way I would have been prior to surgery. I did have a couple of bites of moist turkey which satisfied me. I was a little nervous about how it would make my tummy feel but all was well.

Friday brought a new challenge because I REALLY wanted something to chew. I had some tomato soup for lunch and added 3 Cheese-It crackers. NOT the best idea. It didn't bother me at all, except in my brain because I knew I shouldn't really have crackers. I figured it couldn't be all that bad since it was all soggy and mushy from the soup. I resolved that Saturday I would not add any extras to my food plan.

On Saturday I needed to go to the grocery store. I hardly eat a thing but the rest of my family needs to eat. I have been tracking my calorie intake and I'm basically surviving on any where from 300 to 500 calories. It's not a great way to sustain yourself when you have much to do. So basically I almost passed out at Walmart because by 3 in the afternoon I'd managed to get water in but also only about 4 ounces of a protein shake so that was only about 75 calories for the day. Walking around Walmart, pushing a cart and shopping pretty much did me in. Luckily my husband was there, took me to find a seat, gave me some applesauce and I waited for him to finish.

It was an interesting phenomena to be in Walmart surrounded by food but not really have the desire to want to buy something to eat it. Nothing really sounds that great except for tuna fish!

I joined a group online called Obesity Help and have found a lot of people in the same circumstances as I am. It is a great resource to have and a great way to feel supported by people who KNOW what I'm going through.

One thing I've found is that EVERY single surgeon out there has their own idea of how to "graduate" food levels. There are some people who are eating soft foods within 4 days of surgery. My surgeon, however, seems to be very conservative. His plan is for you to be on liquids for a week, then for the next two weeks to be on modified liquids with the soups and yogurt added in and then at week 4 to add soft meats, cheeses, etc.

Well....one of the gals I met on the site had surgery the same day I did and she's been eating ALL kinds of stuff including eggs. I REALLY wanted something savory. The protein shake, sweet drinks, water, broth thing gets old REAL fast. So I made myself an egg on Sunday night. NOT the best idea I've ever had! That thing just sat on my stomach and made me feel terrible. I was up until 2 a.m. drinking water trying to get it down and out of my tummy. Lesson learned.

I go back to the doctor on Friday to have the rest of the staples removed. I've lost another 3 pounds since being there last week so the losing has slowed down significantly. It can be a little discouraging because I'm like, "Geeze, if I'm only eating like 500 calories a day and I can't lose more weight than this is it going to be worth it?" But I have read a lot and talked to a lot of people and I'm assured that my body is just adjusting and that I'll start losing more again.

Non Scale Victories- I put away my summer clothes NEVER to wear them again. I will donate them to the local clothes closet in the spring when they want summery clothes. It felt wonderful to say, "it's all too big!"

I also go out my winter clothes and all of my jeans from last year are already too big. I'll just have to wear baggy clothes for now. I'll have to get a couple of slacks at the new year for sure! Whoot!

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

So...I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on the 16th...6 days ago. I thought I'd feel better than I do. It's still a bit painful to swallow stuff and have "food" which is just liquids in my tummy for now. I see the surgeon tomorrow for a follow up. I was totally wishing they could undo what they'd done to me about 30 minutes after I woke up in the recovery room. I felt awful.

Today I'm feeling slightly better. I actually got up, got a shower, did my hair and makeup. I took a picture of myself and put it side by side with a photo I took on October 27. All I can say is A. MAY. ZING.! I took my measurements and I'm down 14.25 inches since the surgery! I guess feeling like garbage is paying off.

I'm not gonna lie...

As soon as I woke up from the surgery I thought to myself..."just put my stomach back and let me go home!" I was in quite a bit of pain and VERY groggy from the pain medication.

Honestly I didn't have any issues with not being able to eat anything until Thursday because I was so out of it after the surgery. Food was the last thing on my mind. I haven't really had any hunger pains at all. I have felt my tummy growl this afternoon but that's because I've been sleeping on and off since I got home.

The doctor presented my husband with this lovely photo of my guts. He says he loves my guts but honestly who wants to see this? (I'm assuming someone might since I'm posting it here) My doc was very surprised that I didn't have diabetes because of the fat infiltration in my liver. He says that as I lose weight this will go away.

See all that fat? It's disgusting isn't it? I wonder why they don't lipsuction it out when they are doing the surgery? That would be swell wouldn't it?

Anyway...the first night was pure hell. I didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time because I had all these IV fluids going into me and I was up going to the bathroom ALL night long. I wasn't all that happy about them coming into my room to change the sharps container at 3 a.m. either.

At 8:00 a.m. they took about 4 of us down to the radiology department to do a scan of our stomachs to see if they were still holding, any leaks etc. The barium was so gross it made me gag. I really wanted a huge swig of water but there is no such thing as huge swigs right now.

Back to the room around 8:30 and I was brought clear liquids to drink. Protein drinks, Crystal Lite, chicken broth, water. They also brought me a sheet of paper to keep track of my liquids. I'm to drink 1 ounce of liquid every 15 minutes...and it should take just about 15 minutes to get that one ounce down too. I'm forever drinking but it is getting a lot better.

I have NO desire to eat any real food at this point. In fact tonight my family ordered pizza from my favorite pizza place but it kind of looked like my stomach pictures up there so I wasn't feeling cheated at all.

Last night around 8 or so I got on the scale...One day and 6 pounds gone. Today when I got home...another 4 pounds since Wednesday. I know it will slow down but I'm going to make the most of this by following the guidelines strictly. On Thursday, just in time for Thanksgiving, I can add yogurt drinks and soup to my regime. I'm good with that. I don't feel like I have to have pie or anything like that at all. I'm so looking forward to this new life.

I stayed an extra night in the hospital because my white count was up a little bit but after this morning's blood work it was working it's way down so I was discharged. I have to give myself lovanox shots for the next 7 days to thin my blood and prevent blood clots, got an RX for liquid hydrocodone and also for Zofran. I really haven't felt nauseated at all since a few hours after surgery. I'm getting used to swallowing for now.

Look for more updates later.

Dawn of a New Day

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.

- the movie Forrest Gump

 

Tomorrow morning I begin anew. Here are the classic before shots. It's me today but not me tomorrow. 

P.S. I'm either crazy or brave to post these pictures for the world to see. But then again, I let people see me every day so....

Ch, ch, ch, changes...

So this morning I've been thinking....I got on the scale this morning and realized that after today I will NEVER see the number that I saw on there today! This is the last weekend before my surgery. I am more than excited!

On Wednesday I went to take my stress test and to the pre surgery class. I got my "Bariatric Bible" which tells me what I can eat for the next 7 weeks and beyond. I'm not gonna lie...the first 3 weeks sound like hell but I know it will be so worth it!

And I chose to have the surgery right before Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I'm really o.k. with it. I had to go grocery shopping yesterday. (I do have a family that needs to eat regular food while I am working on liquids and soft foods.) It was interesting to me how much money I didn't have to spend on groceries. Walking down the aisles and knowing that I cannot put certain things in my mouth kept me from even putting them in my cart. Instead of feeling disappointed at the things I cannot eat I am excited about the weight I will lose and getting back to a healthy weight.

Today I've been a little emotional thinking about how much life will change for me in 4 days. I don't find myself wishing for a cookie or feeling like I'll miss out on food which I obviously will for a while. I find myself thinking about who I will become after this procedure. I find myself thinking, "When people see pictures of me at my daughter's college graduation they will wonder who is standing with my husband and daughter." , "When I am about 5 months out I might just be wearing a size 12 skirt." and things of that nature. I'm really only thinking about the positive things that will come out of this.

I have thought about the negatives, the lose skin, the nausea etc. But overall I'm happy that I can get past those things. I did find out that 2 years post op I will be able to have a tummy tuck. That will be another wonderful day in my life. My stomach has not looked the same since November 1984 when I was about 4 months pregnant with my first child. The stretch marks came even then. My post pregnancy body was such a disappointment to me. I never had the opportunity for my stomach to shrink because the skin was so stretched after my first baby that it just hung there. Not puffy or swollen but hanging. Not a pretty sight. Lucky (and I do say lucky) for me I have a hernia. SO...that means when it's time for that to be fixed I can score a tummy tuck.

There are some whose reactions to my decision have been less than supportive. They've never been me and they've never been this over weight and they've never tried to lose weight unsuccessfully for almost 27 years. Those that are supportive have been great! I'm really excited to recreate this body. The thin girl in me is ready to emerge again!

Day 1 Of Liquid

I'm not gonna lie...this sucks!


I've had 2 protein shakes today, lots of water and I want to eat my fist off! It's going to be worth it in the end....right?!

I know it will be worth it in the end but you have no idea how much I just want to go in my kitchen and eat something...anything. It can be healthy, I'd eat a banana, an apple or some cottage cheese but I don't think I'm allowed to do that at all. Just the shakes and one lean cuisine or Healthy Choice type dinner.

Now to go make spaghetti for the rest of the family. Can I lick the spoon of the pasta sauce?

A date which will live in...what's the opposite of Infamy?

Apparently the opposite of infamy are dignity, goodness, innocence, morality, righteousness and virtue. I think the most appropriate word for this situation might be goodness.

In any case...I finally have my surgery scheduled for Wednesday, November 16. I will begin my liquid/low cal diet on Monday. I'm supposed to have 2 protein shakes a day and one dinner which should be a Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice type frozen dinner. I also have to go in for a stress test on the 9th. I figure I should do pretty well on that actually. If they make me run they might have to get the paddles out though!

The reality of what I will be going through probably hasn't really sunk into my brain yet. I do know that I'm very prepared for the reality of eating a half a boiled egg and feeling satisfied. I mean, for how many years have I been eating the way I have been. I am praying with all my might that I'll do alright for the 10 days on this low, low cal diet before the surgery.

Now, let me just say a little something about the picture I chose for this blog entry. It says Happiness Just Ahead. I am generally a very happy person. The thing is that I know that I will be happier at a healthier more normal weight. I know I'll be happier not having to shop at plus size stores. I know I'll be happier in some ways that I am not happy in right now. It's not that I expect the surgery to "fix" everything in life. Like I said, I'm pretty darn happy right now! I have a husband who loves me whether I have the surgery or not, I have awesome kids and grandkids, I have a great place to live, a nice car to drive, I have a great spiritual life, I have wonderful friends, a fulfilling job in my church. So it's not that I'm looking for the surgery to "make me happy". I'm just looking for the surgery to help enhance my already happy life. Plus I'm looking forward to buying a pair of jeans that are meant for fit one person and not a pair that two people can wear.

So....some happiness is just ahead. Before the happy part will come some uncomfortable stuff but I'm ok with that.

AND THE LETTER CAME.....

....in the mail today! I got approved for surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this an answer????

Could this be possible?

I called the insurance coordinator at my physician's office and she said that she had not heard from my insurance company on the approval yet. She said all paperwork was submitted on Oct 13. It's been 12 days so I thought...what the heck I'll call and find out.

So I just got off the phone with them and the representative said that a letter had been sent out today. One to me. One to the physician. She couldn't find a copy because it might not have been scanned in yet. I asked her if she could find the letter itself. After about 2 minutes she came back to the phone and said that she couldn't find the letter but that according to the documentation, I MEET THE CRITERA!

After I hung up the phone with her I sat there for a second after the butterflies subsided and thought..."Wonder why they don't just say...so you're obese enough to have the surgery!"??? I guess, "You meet the criteria" is a MUCH nicer way to say the same thing!

I don't care how they say it!!!! I'm pretty excited and in a couple of days I will have "official" word and then we can set the date for surgery. In all reality it looks like it will probably be the week of the 7th or possibly the 14th. Just in time for Thanksgiving! That's one way to make sure you don't over eat! 

I can't believe that I will finally be able to break free from this body. OH trust me...I know the new body I'll have won't be beautiful. It will be quite ugly but it WILL be healthier! And honestly, I can't lie...I cannot wait to buy normal sized clothes!

I'm Waaaaiiiittttttiiiiinnnnnngggggggg....

If this takes any longer I might just be dead and not have to worry about the surgery at all! Why is it that the people who are involved this are on vacation? The insurance coordinator person at my doctor's office was out of town last week. I decided that I'd give her a few days to catch up calling back the thousands of overweight people who are waiting to hear about their approvals for surgery.

So....yesterday I finally call the office only to find out that she is OUT on Thursday and Friday THIS week too! Are you for real? Blech. I'll wait till Monday. It's Columbus Day so I hope she's not off that day too!

Tick tock, tick tock

Found out yesterday that all the paperwork has gone to the insurance company for approval for "medical necessity." Tick tock, tick tock......

One Giant Leap For Mankind

It's been forever since I blogged about my weight loss experiences and thought it was about time.

I finished my 3 month worth of visits with the dietitian on September 10. I went once a month and sad to say she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I did see some success. I lost 8 pounds in the 3 months. NOT the best weight loss I've ever had but still it is enough of a loss that my doctor is pleased.

Another HUGE success for me is that I stopped drinking carbonated beverages cold turkey. I really haven't had any desire to have them at all. For anyone who knows me they know it's a big deal because I could totally drink a 12 pack of diet Coke a day if I wanted to! I didn't have any stress headaches or anything nor did I have any craving for them.

Perhaps the biggest, and not yet overcome, problem is learning NOT to have any beverages with meals. It's really difficult. I'll be trying to do that this week. I shouldn't even put something on the table with my food. I have to wait for 30 minutes before I can drink so I need to get that figured out pretty quickly.

On Tuesday I finally had my blood drawn to prove that I am not a smoker...my insurance requires you to be nicotine free before you can have the surgery, and then all paperwork will go off to the insurance company. I am really excited about the upcoming events in my life.

I really need some new clothes but I refuse to purchase any in my current size. I have decided that I'll wait till at least Christmas to buy anything new. I'm sure I have enough sizes in boxes to get me through to the new year.

I've been thinking about clothing in a different light. I consider myself to be a fashionable woman even though I am large. I have always taken pride in what I wear and although it's not often that a person wearing a 3x can find something "cute" I think I manage to look fashionable most of the time. However, as I've looked at some outfits online in recent weeks, I can honestly envision myself wearing things that I would probably never choose now. I intend to get some really cute things when I'm thinner.

So in a few days I should be able to schedule the surgery. I was hoping for next week but some of the paperwork has taken longer than I expected. At any rate...I'm more than one step closer.

The ONE thing I'm not really looking forward to is the all liquid diet for a week before and then for 2 weeks after...NO wonder people lose weight!

Do you ever feel like you want to channel Alex from Fatal Attraction?

For the first time in my life I went to meet with a psychiatrist yesterday. My insurance company requires a psychiatric evaluation and a personality test before you can be approved for bariatric surgery. I think that it's a pretty standard requirement for many insurance companies. Honestly, I think the only reason they want you to do the evaluation is to prove you're not Alex from Fatal Attraction! I mean the questions on the thing seemed to be trying to determine whether or not you had tendencies at being psychotic, not really anything to do with your brain/food relationship. Now THAT would be worth knowing about from a person about to have 85% of their stomach cut off!

The test was called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory 2. Here is what the test is looking for and the number of questions for each illness. I don't know how many questions were on the test because my doctor had me stop after the first 370 questions.

1	Hs	Hypochondriasis	Concern with bodily symptoms	32
2	D	Depression	Depressive Symptoms	57
3	Hy	Hysteria	Awareness of problems and vulnerabilities	60
4	Pd	Psychopathic Deviate	Conflict, struggle, anger, respect for society's rules	50
5	MF	Masculinity/Femininity	Stereotypical masculine or feminine interests/behaviors	56
6	Pa	Paranoia	Level of trust, suspiciousness, sensitivity	40
7	Pt	Psychasthenia	Worry, Anxiety, tension, doubts, obsessiveness	48
8	Sc	Schizophrenia	Odd thinking and social alienation	78
9	Ma	Hypomania	Level of excitability	46
0	Si	Social Introversion	People orientation	69

The questions/statements were all true or false and some of the ones that I remember are:

I enjoy seeing animals suffer.
I see people who others do not see.
I have voices telling me what to do.
My father/mother was/is a good person.
I love my father/mother.
I have been in love.
I have taken risks that have gotten me into trouble.
I have been in jail.
I take drugs.
I think people are after me. (there seemed to be a lot of those questions)
Most people lie to get their way.

This site has the test on it and will score it for you. I haven't done it online but I think I might just take it again later today to see what it says! Click HERE

And seriously there were 370 questions like that. Either I will be a psychopath or I'm the most "normal" person he's ever met.

I was a little nervous and found myself being careful not to sit with my legs crossed at the ankles, my arms folded and all the other body language signals that say, "I'm a crazy freak." And if you are a crazy freak I am in no way condemning you. I think we're all a little crazy and freakish at times actually!

It is a little daunting to think you will sit down with someone who makes their living at delving into your psyche. Anyway...come Monday we will see if I "pass"!

Learning to Eat

The moment we're born we have the innate understanding that we need to eat. If you've ever seen a newborn who is offered the breast or a bottle, you've seen first hand that this instinct is indeed a fact. At some point babies go from eating what they need to eating what they want, like, don't like etc. And at that point in our lives some of us start on the roller coaster of dieting.

I've said before that overweight people are not overweight because they are hungry. How can anyone possibly be THAT hungry? People overeat for a variety of reasons. I for one love the taste and texture of food. I love the crunch, the sweet, the salty. I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, with friends...in other words I love food.

In my lifetime I've tried to lose weight more times than I can count. If only I'd kept off the weight I'd lost over time I'd be invisible by now! After 26 years of being very overweight I am ready to have bariatric surgery. Part of my responsibility to prepare for surgery is to see a registered dietitian so that I can come to understand what life will be like after surgery and to start preparing my mind and body now.

Today I went to the first of 3 classes with Lauren, my doctor's dietitian. Today we learned about some of the things that will have to change after the surgery. I think one of the biggest things is that I will not be able to drink along with a meal. Think about it...most of us have a drink when we sit down to a meal. Take a bite, drink a sip, take 2 bites, take a longer drink. I am also on the quest to stop drinking carbonated beverages which for mean means Diet Coke. Carbonated beverages can actually stretch your stomach and after having this surgery that is the last thing I want to do. I wonder if I can let it sit out and go flat? I'll have to ask about that. I also found out that caffeine is also not good for people who have had bariatric surgery because of the malabsorption problems that patients will develop due to the nature of the surgery.

I have done Weight Watchers so many times that I do know what I SHOULD be eating. I know about portions, and water and protien and carbs and vegetables and fruit. I'm feeling ready to do this for real. I understand that the surgery is a tool to help me and not a solution to my problems. Life after surgery is going to take some adjustment. There will be liquid diets about a week before the surgery and then for about 2 weeks after that to give the wound time to heal.

I have been asked by my doctor to lose 15 pounds before my surgery which will likely take place in late September or early October. So...today after my class I went grocery shopping. Protein shakes, fruit and healthy food fill my cupboards. Here we go.

If you want what you do not have, you must do what you have not done.

I finally did it!! I went for my consultation with a bariatric surgeon today! I went to a seminar on June 1 and made an appointment then.

Originally I thought I would want to have lap band surgery. After reading some things, talking to some people and doing some research I decided that the band wasn't going to be for me. I don't want to continue going to the doctor for the rest of my life to have the band filled and I also don't want to end up needing surgery at a later date to remove it and possibly have an RNY or a gastric sleeve done any way. Your stomach can only be squeezed so much before the tissue becomes damaged. It doesn't seem like a life long solution to me.

Also, I love sweets and the band is not as effective for people like me. I decided with the help of the surgeon to go with the gastric sleeve. In the event that I ever had to deal with my autoimmune problem in the future it would be necessary for me to be able to swallow pills and that would be very difficult if I had a pouch like in a gastric bypass. There are also less malabsorption issues with the sleeve than with the bypass.

So....my insurance requires 3 months of meeting with a dietician, a meeting with a psychiatrist and letters stating that I have been treated for weight loss before. The doctor wants me to lose 10-15 pounds prior to surgery and I also have to go for some test to prove that I don't smoke. I don't smoke at all but they have to make sure you don't smoke for at least 30 days prior to or after the surgery. Anyway... in 10 days from now I will get a letter from the doctor's office and will then be able to move forward with all of the requirements. At that time I'll also be able to find out what my co-pays and out of pocket expenses will be.

I'm very excited that by September I will have this surgery and by Christmas I should be about 50 pounds lighter and much healthier. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. When the doctor asked me how long I had been overweight and I really had to think about it I came to the realization that for more than half my life I've dealt with being horribly overweight. I am heavier now than I have ever been.

Addicted to Love

I love sugar. I think that just like my hair is brown and my eyes are brown and my skin is olive because of my D.N.A.,  that my sugar addiction is written in there somewhere too. 

I cannot get enough sugar these days. I absolutely crave cookies, chocolate, candies, anything sweet...except for fruit. I only crave unholy sugar. In my heart I want to be good, but then my brain takes over. Sugar cereal, sugar snacks, sugar, sugar, sugar. It's disgusting I know. I can't even begin to imagine what my blood sugar is on a good day! I should check it out. It's usually not bad but I'm probably killing my pancreas. 

On any given day if I could I would do this:

Wednesday is the day I go to the Bariatric Center. I'm excited. Will having my stomach banded take away the addiction? Maybe I'll want to do better when I'm losing 6 pounds in a week? I can only hope.

And ....

In order to get an appointment I have to go to a seminar by the surgeon so I've scheduled it for June 1. I'm rather excited about it. I see the testimonials of people who have undergone the surgery and I get giddy thinking about the possibility of my own transformation.

Heaven knows that I'll either have to have surgery to get rid of all the skin or just tuck it into my underwear! Either way I'll be healthier and feel better about myself.

I have been tracking my food again on WW and am down 1.8 this week. It feels good but it's such a small dent in a very large (pardon the pun) problem.

In the meantime I'm following the blog of the friend of a friend. It's pretty funny and I relate because I always say I have two butts...one in the back and one in the front! You might enjoy this blog too....My Other Butt.

Ya Gotta Want It

My son in law is a baseball player. In fact every one of the boys in his family played baseball at some point in their lives. It was so important to them that they have their own batting cage, pitching machine, and space dedicated in their yard to practicing baseball. My son in law played for his high school and college and one of his brothers even did a stint in the minor leagues. I don't know that I will ever understand the desire to practice a sport like that let alone to the point where you could do it semi-professionally.

Hanging on the wall of their barn near the batting cage is a sign that reads, "Ya Gotta Want It". Which brings me to my post today.

I haven't blogged about my "weight loss" in a while because in fact I've been doing quite the opposite. I've gained back all but 5 pounds of my last weight loss attempt. I really think I have an addiction to food. I mean before I even see it or smell it I can think about it and have such an overwhelming desire come over me to go and get a particular thing. Usually for me it's something sweet. I crave sugar. I also love bread. And salty things. And crunchy things. And and and....you get my drift.

Anyway...when I started the blog I called it "Wake Me Up When I'm Thin" because I honestly feel like I went to bed thin and woke up fat. My first pregnancy did my body in. I've had the hardest struggle trying to get thin when what I really just wanted was to "be" thin. The difference between "be" and "do". I haven't really wanted to "do" what it takes to "be" thinner long enough to really make a difference. I'm like Veruca Salt. Remember her from the movie, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? She is the one who uttered those famous words, "I want it now!"

So here's my deal. I am trying to figure out how to engage my brain. I need to figure out how to "want" it. I need to figure out how to have the desire to lose weight more than the desire for food. If you have any suggestions I'm totally open to that. I might consider having my jaw broken on purpose! (just kidding...simmer down)

Because until I really "want" IT  (to lose weight) I won't be able to "do" IT (eat right and exercise) to "be" IT (thin-er, healthier, happier etc.)!

Downward Spiral

Weeks ago I was "determined" to lose 10 pounds before my 47th birthday. Ummm...didn't happen. And why didn't it happen?

I've been on a downward spiral...and not with my weight. My brain is in a downward spiral. I'm not depressed...quite the opposite. I almost feel euphoric yet I seem to have trouble getting control over this area of my life.

I was thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous but my husband does not think it's a good idea. I'm sure he's in denial about my issues. He thinks that because I don't binge and purge that I'm not  O.A. material. I've not given up the idea about doing it though.

My "determination" was only a wish. I never did anything to act on the actual idea. I can't even really call it a goal. If it had been a goal I wouldn't have filled my house with cookies, chips, ice cream and other trigger foods. If I had a house full of onions I would've probably lost 50 pounds in a month! If it had been a real goal I would have tracked everything I ate. I would have gotten on the ball when I saw the pounds rising on the scale.

I've gained like 8 pounds since November. It's easy to do. Maybe I should go work in a high school for the "light weight" wrestler guys who have to gain weight. I KNOW how to do that. I also KNOW how to lose weight and for the life of me I don't know what it is going to take to get my brain to engage with my heart.

In my heart of hearts I really want to lose weight. I just can't get my brain and my heart in sync. Pretty soon my heart is going to burst out of my chest because there won't be room in there for it so I better figure this out soon.

I'm contemplating lap band surgery again. This time my insurance covers it so I am giving it a lot of consideration.

Valentine's Day doesn't love me

I've already eaten enough chocolate that I should dive into a diabetic coma at any second! I haven't eaten anything else so does that help? Oi!!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative


Today I looked at this blog and saw that I had a "goal" to lose 10 pounds by my 47th birthday but instead of losing I've gained 4.5 pounds since November 30th. What am I thinking? Oh yeah....I'm not thinking about losing weight at all....and THAT is the problem!

Yesterday I watched Jennifer Hudson on Oprah. That girl has lost 80 pounds! If I could do that I would not be in a size 6 like she is but I would be a much happier person. I would be wearing a size 12 and I'm serious when I say that I'd be happy to wear a size 16 so a 12 would be awesome.

So today it's back to life, back to reality, back from the fantasy. I actually logged into WW today and tracked my breakfast before I even ate it. It kept me focused on what I should really eat this morning.

I can do this. I'm still considering joining Overeaters Anonymous and also having a lap band procedure. I have to check with my doctor as I have some other health issues going on but if my insurance will cover it and if my body can really handle it then I think I want to do it.

I know someone who had that or gastric bypass but didn't tell anyone. Weird huh? But they're not very open about their lives to begin with. Oh they like to know the dirt in everyone else's life but they don't want to share their own dirt!!! Anyway...the person was thin in their younger years and then gained a lot of weight, tried to get it off and then one day started to lose weight. There was exercising involved and not as many calories taken in but when you watched them you just knew that it wasn't because they'd chosen to lose weight but because they couldn't eat more than a few bites at a time.

I wondered why they wouldn't want to share their surgery but never questioned them about it. Even to this day, many years later they don't "fess up" about the surgery. They must feel like it's a weakness or something to have stooped to surgery but I say, "More power to ya" for taking control in whatever way you had to! And I know it must be awesome to wear "normal" sizes again.

Anyway...here we go again.

I'm A Thinker

My parents had a replica of Rodin's "Thinker" sculpture in their house when I was a kid. My dad made some alterations to it with "Liquid Paper" and gave him some underwear. I always thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway...I'm a thinker. I tend to have common sense when it comes to lots of things. However, I do not appear to have ANY common sense at all when it comes to food. I think about the food and I think about not eating it and sometimes I even push the thoughts out of my mind and move on to other things but most of the time when I think about food I find something to eat. It's a real problem.

As I've thought about addictions I've wondered if having an addiction to food could be treated the way an alcoholic is treated for their addiction or a drug addict is treated for their addiction. Granted, you don't HAVE to have alcohol or drugs to survive. You do HAVE to eat however! So having an addiction to food is BAD because you can't just say..."I will not eat today." and live a healthy life.

I had lunch today with someone who made me think about joining Overeaters Anonymous. I'm thinking about it. I am addicted to food. The way it tastes, smells, feels in my mouth, crunches, the saltiness, the sweetness, the chocolatey yummy goodness. I love it all. I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, bored, satisfied, with friends, alone...pretty much any time.

Other than falling off the back of a pick up truck and having my jaw wired shut (I know a girl that this happened to and she got very thin very quickly) I think that Overeaters Anonymous may be something that might help me.

I've done Weight Watchers and know what to eat but I need to deal with the mental issues of why, how, where, what I eat. So...I'm thinking...

Let's Get Real

I haven't weighed in at Weight Watchers for about 6 weeks. I have been stepping on the scale at home and I haven't lost one single pound. In fact, I've gained a couple but have managed to get them off and I am back to where I was when I weighed in all those weeks ago. I NEED to go back to WW!

I also haven't tracked one bless-ed thing that I've put in my mouth. As I blog I have a bag of spice drops in front of me. How many points can they be? I don't even want to know. I think I'll be weighing in either tomorrow or Wednesday...I have a weird schedule this week thanks to a college daughter that will need a ride to work both days.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight. I want to. I'm wondering if I don't want it bad enough?! How can that be? I really want to buy beautiful clothes and feel better about myself. It's a new year and it can be a new me...right?! Ok...let's get real. I'm going back!

I have a goal to lose 10 pounds by Feb 15...that's 2 days after my 47th birthday. Here we go....